{"title":"Funny Civil War Veteran Hats","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe Civil War Veteran Hat is a joke cap for people who were definitely, absolutely there in 1861-1865. It is a six-panel cap in black corduroy with an embroidered front patch, embroidered lettering on the brim and an adjustable strap at the back, and it thanks you for your service. Wear it to the grocery store and accept the confused salutes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe sequel, the Civil War 2 Veteran Hat, is the same black corduroy cap for a war that has not happened yet: it says \"Future Veteran\". There is also an all-over-print Civil War Veteran T-shirt (\"Civil War Veteran\" on the front, \"Proudly Served\" on the back) and the Two Wars, Zero Service bundle with both hats.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey make a gag gift for history buffs and for anyone who enjoys being thanked for something they obviously did not do. More jokes like this live on the \u003ca href=\"\/collections\/satire-merch\"\u003esatire merch\u003c\/a\u003e page.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"civil-war-veteran-hat","title":"Civil War Veteran Hat — Thank You for Your Service (1861-1865)","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou served. You fought. You were definitely alive in 1863.\u003c\/strong\u003e This hat says so, and nobody can prove otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eWear it to the grocery store. Wear it to family dinner. Accept the confused salutes. You’ve earned absolutely nothing, and this hat celebrates that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eMaterials\u003c\/h2\u003e\u003cp\u003eA six-panel cap in black corduroy. The front patch is embroidered — merrowed border, raised lettering. The brim lettering is embroidered too. Adjustable strap at the back. Made in a real production run and shipped from our own stock, because some wars deserve a real hat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns and exchanges within 30 days of delivery. Items must be unworn, unwashed, and still capable of starting arguments. If something’s off, email us with your order number and we’ll make it right.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":44160245694516,"sku":"","price":38.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-civil-war-veteran-hat-f0_4298b390-9ca9-4d88-979a-2ede19527ebd.png?v=1786788500"},{"product_id":"civil-war-2-veteran-hat","title":"Civil War 2 Veteran Hat — Pre-Deployed Since Thanksgiving","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eAmerica’s most anticipated sequel hasn’t dropped yet, but you already served.\u003c\/strong\u003e This hat says “Future Veteran” because you’ve been pre-deployed since your last family group chat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eWear it to the cookout. Wear it to the comments section. Salute yourself in the mirror. The sequel hasn’t started, but your merch is ready.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eMaterials\u003c\/h2\u003e\u003cp\u003eA six-panel cap in black corduroy. The front patch is embroidered — merrowed border, raised lettering. The brim lettering is embroidered too. Adjustable strap at the back. Made in a real production run and shipped from our own stock, because some wars deserve a real hat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns and exchanges within 30 days of delivery. Items must be unworn, unwashed, and still capable of starting arguments. If something’s off, email us with your order number and we’ll make it right.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":44163425992756,"sku":null,"price":38.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-civil-war-2-veteran-hat-f0_df843417-5ff9-4d67-ac38-529c8d813419.png?v=1786788511"},{"product_id":"civil-war-veteran-tee","title":"Civil War Veteran T-Shirt — Proudly Served (1861-1865)","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou served in the Civil War. You were definitely there. This shirt proves it.\u003c\/strong\u003e All-over printed with crossed muskets, “Civil War Veteran” on front, and “Proudly Served” on back — because if you’re going to lie about your military record, you might as well commit to it with your entire torso.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Civil War Veteran Tee is a full-body declaration of service you never rendered in a war that ended 160+ years ago. It’s loud, it’s all-over print, and it will generate more confused stares per square inch than any other garment in your closet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eFeatures\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrossed muskets front graphic\u003c\/strong\u003e — the universal symbol for “I definitely fought in this”\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e“CIVIL WAR VETERAN” front text\u003c\/strong\u003e — in case anyone was wondering\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e“PROUDLY SERVED” back text\u003c\/strong\u003e — for when you walk away from conversations you can’t win\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eSizes XS–XXXXL\u003c\/strong\u003e — fake valor comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eSpecifications\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\n\n\n\u003cli\u003eSizes: XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL, XXXXL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFulfillment: Print-on-demand via Printify\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWhat You’re Getting\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA t-shirt that turns your entire body into a monument to a war you didn’t fight in. Pair it with the Civil War Veteran Hat for full dress uniform status. Or wear it alone and let people figure it out.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns within 30 days. Shirt must be unworn and in original condition. Your imaginary service record remains on file permanently.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMen's Polyester Tee (AOP) unisex cut-and-sew all-over-print tee, 5.16 oz\/yd² (175 g\/m²). 100% brushed polyester. All panels cut and sewn together. Seam thread colour automatically matched to the design. Size and care information printed inside the collar. All-over print on cut-and-sew panels.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"XS","offer_id":44231089586228,"sku":"26071679080842340824","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S","offer_id":44231089618996,"sku":"19413145720312192840","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M","offer_id":44231089651764,"sku":"19700391502477295689","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L","offer_id":44231089684532,"sku":"33453301013408821327","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL","offer_id":44231089717300,"sku":"29259071118548166981","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXL","offer_id":44231089750068,"sku":"71139993984543366470","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXXL","offer_id":44231089782836,"sku":"16864216172499758577","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXXXL","offer_id":44231089815604,"sku":"14212026998804085148","price":49.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-civil-war-veteran-tee-f0_128ee8a7-7bb3-40f3-9324-4117733e4ed8.png?v=1786788522"},{"product_id":"two-wars-zero-service-hat-bundle","title":"Two Wars, Zero Service — The Civil War Veteran Hat Bundle","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou didn’t serve in one. You didn’t serve in two. But now you can dress like you did both.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Two Wars, Zero Service bundle gets you both Civil War Veteran hats — the original (1861–1865) and the sequel (TBD) — so you can claim service across two American conflicts that you absolutely did not participate in. One hat for the war that happened. One hat for the war that hasn’t. Maximum fake valor, one discounted price.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWhy Buy the Bundle\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBuying them separately means two transactions, two shipping charges, and two moments where you have to explain to your bank why you’re purchasing satirical military headwear. The bundle eliminates one of those moments and saves you money. That’s called strategy — something a real veteran would appreciate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003ePerfect For\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePeople who want to confuse everyone at the barbecue\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGift sets for the friend who has opinions about everything\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWearing one and leaving the other on your dashboard as a conversation piece\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAnyone who thinks America’s best days are both behind and ahead of us\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns within 30 days. Both hats must be unworn and in original condition. Your two-war veteran status, however, is permanent and non-transferable.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":47097043124276,"sku":null,"price":64.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-two-wars-zero-service-hat-bundle-f0_42f5d3cc-0456-4c5a-9413-f10ea51af502.png?v=1786788535"},{"product_id":"bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-sticker","title":"Bite The Bullet Bubblegum Sticker — Funny Chewed Civil War Bullet","description":"\u003cp\u003eNothing takes the edge off a sudden battlefield amputation—or just opening your monthly utility bill—like the sweet, bouncy taste of surgical lead. We took the gruesome 19th-century reality of \"biting the bullet\" and gave it the bright, groovy 1970s bubblegum branding your daily psychological torment deserves.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause if you are going to absorb endless, crushing punishment from an economy that views you as a rapidly depreciating meat-asset, you might as well treat it like a fun little snack. Chew through the pain, baby.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFlavor lasts exactly as long as the bone saw\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGenuine heavy metal attitude (do not swallow)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRecommended by 4 out of 5 overwhelmed field surgeons\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMay cause acute lead poisoning, but rent is still due on the first\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eA retro graphic design perfect for your laptop, notebook, or whatever surface you stare at while disassociating.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"3\" × 3\" \/ White","offer_id":48140309397556,"sku":"29158665614211447108","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4\" × 4\" \/ White","offer_id":48140309430324,"sku":"10199763302018591195","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-sticker-0_6894e1e8-9497-4588-836d-186d91c5fa2b.png?v=1787023017"},{"product_id":"bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-hoodie","title":"Bite The Bullet Bubblegum Hoodie — Funny Chewed Civil War Bullet","description":"\u003cp\u003eNothing takes the edge off a sudden, unanesthetized battlefield amputation—or just opening your monthly utility bill—like the sweet, bouncy taste of surgical lead. We took the gruesome 19th-century reality of \"biting the bullet\" and gave it the bright, groovy 1970s bubblegum branding your daily psychological torment deserves.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause if you are going to absorb endless, crushing financial and social punishment from an economy that views you as a rapidly depreciating meat-asset, you might as well wear a funny retro graphic hoodie about it. Chew through the pain, baby.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFlavor lasts exactly as long as the bone saw\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRecommended by 4 out of 5 overwhelmed field surgeons\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMay cause acute lead poisoning, but rent is still due on the first\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eThe perfect dark humor sweatshirt for masking your existential dread\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eA classic hooded sweatshirt for hiding from your problems.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"S \/ Black","offer_id":48140309889076,"sku":"24644821757123169224","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Black","offer_id":48140310020148,"sku":"19635614629996000677","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Black","offer_id":48140310151220,"sku":"11365670112070756283","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Black","offer_id":48140310282292,"sku":"31487631255699327730","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Black","offer_id":48140310413364,"sku":"16204182855926834141","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Navy","offer_id":48140309823540,"sku":"28419588935227131770","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ White","offer_id":48194679373876,"sku":"33076879480881373855","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Navy","offer_id":48140309954612,"sku":"27540408776136810495","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ White","offer_id":48194679406644,"sku":"30174383978734937858","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310085684,"sku":"10371349060590391678","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ White","offer_id":48194679439412,"sku":"13265039522525338425","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310216756,"sku":"61503525824582730143","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ White","offer_id":48194679472180,"sku":"33195361594397804191","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310347828,"sku":"24824241155936063925","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ White","offer_id":48194679504948,"sku":"17839485686821201442","price":44.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-hoodie-0_db51112b-9aee-4043-a6b4-d83f1f76cc28.png?v=1787993129"},{"product_id":"bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-tee","title":"Bite The Bullet Bubblegum T-Shirt — Funny Chewed Civil War Bullet","description":"\u003cp\u003eNothing takes the edge off a sudden, unanesthetized battlefield amputation—or just opening your monthly utility bill—like the sweet, bouncy taste of surgical lead. 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Chew through the pain, baby, with this darkly funny graphic tee.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFlavor lasts exactly as long as the bone saw\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRecommended by 4 out of 5 overwhelmed field surgeons\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMay cause acute lead poisoning, but rent is still due on the first\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eThe perfect novelty gift for anyone barely coping with modern life\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"S \/ Black","offer_id":48140310544436,"sku":"10236668819035942103","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310609972,"sku":"26496114193278561060","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ White","offer_id":48140310642740,"sku":"28601477939939823365","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Black","offer_id":48140310708276,"sku":"22757245146287034415","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310773812,"sku":"79117404142242100188","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ White","offer_id":48140310806580,"sku":"17965246387655362297","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Black","offer_id":48140310872116,"sku":"31468226615410719431","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Navy","offer_id":48140310937652,"sku":"46561985717644239978","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ White","offer_id":48140310970420,"sku":"31552959395442972040","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Black","offer_id":48140311035956,"sku":"49582786565510814404","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Navy","offer_id":48140311101492,"sku":"74954166235930300552","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ White","offer_id":48140311134260,"sku":"48624415166300636252","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Black","offer_id":48140311199796,"sku":"23523909807109399274","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Navy","offer_id":48140311265332,"sku":"13647692458857310303","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ White","offer_id":48140311298100,"sku":"25138457114659945506","price":24.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-shot-bite-the-bullet-bubblegum-tee-0_44ae903f-7ee9-4e5a-82d7-dc03b083eb5b.png?v=1787993151"}],"url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/collections\/funny-civil-war-hats.oembed","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}