{"title":"Hats","description":"\u003cp\u003eWeird Castle hats: structured six-panels, foam-front truckers, and dad caps for people who read the declassified documents and laughed. The collection covers Civil War veterans (both of them), pre-deployed civilians who saw it coming at Thanksgiving dinner, rooftop observers with strong opinions about electoral politics, and chronically online first responders who were on-scene for Incident #69420 before the mainstream press even woke up. Gag gifts that say something true and uncomfortable — fake-official headwear, political satire caps, and absurdist statement hats engineered to make exactly the right person do a double-take across the bar.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf you're shopping for funny hats that punch up at power, trucker hats with a real point, or the kind of political novelty cap that gets confiscated at a town hall, you're in the right castle. Every drop is limited, deadpan, and slightly dangerous — issued by Weird Castle Operations, cleared for public distribution, plausible deniability included at no extra charge.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"civil-war-veteran-hat","title":"Civil War Veteran Hat — Thank You for Your Service (1861-1865)","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou served. You fought. You were definitely alive in 1863.\u003c\/strong\u003e This hat says so, and nobody can prove otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Civil War Veteran Hat is for anyone who’s ever wanted a “thank you for your service” without all the pesky enlisting. Union blue corduroy, a crossed-rifles patch, and “Proudly Served” stitched right on the brim — because subtlety died at Antietam.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWear it to the grocery store. Wear it to family dinner. Accept the confused salutes. You’ve earned absolutely nothing, and this hat celebrates that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eFeatures\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePremium union blue corduroy — the fabric of fake patriots\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eEmbroidered crossed-rifles patch with “Civil War Veteran” crest\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e“Proudly Served” stitched on the brim, in case anyone doubts you\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eBrass-adjustable faux leather strap — because even fake veterans deserve real comfort\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWeird Castle insignia on the back — proof this is satire (legally important)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eSpecifications\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eType: Structured corduroy cap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMaterial: 100% corduroy, faux leather strap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFit: One size fits most (adjustable brass buckle)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eEmbroidery: Front patch + brim text\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCare: Spot clean only\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eOrigin: Handmade in the USA\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eWhat You’re Getting\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis isn’t a costume. It’s a handmade, limited-edition hat with a joke sewn into every stitch. Premium materials, real craftsmanship, and a conversation starter that writes itself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns and exchanges within 30 days of delivery. Items must be unworn, unwashed, and still capable of starting arguments. If something’s off, email us with your order number and we’ll make it right.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":44160245694516,"sku":"","price":38.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/DSC00060.png?v=1759901725"},{"product_id":"civil-war-2-veteran-hat","title":"Civil War 2 Veteran Hat — Pre-Deployed Since Thanksgiving","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eAmerica’s most anticipated sequel hasn’t dropped yet, but you already served.\u003c\/strong\u003e This hat says “Future Veteran” because you’ve been pre-deployed since your last family group chat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Civil War 2 Veteran Hat doesn’t pick sides — it crowns the chaos. Black corduroy, embroidered “GG AMERICA,” faux valor ribbons, and an eagle badge for maximum unearned distinction. You haven’t done anything yet, and it already shows.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWear it to the cookout. Wear it to the comments section. Salute yourself in the mirror. The sequel hasn’t started, but your merch is ready.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eFeatures\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePremium black corduroy — tougher than your uncle’s Facebook feed\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eEmbroidered “GG AMERICA” + “FUTURE VETERAN”\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFake valor ribbons + eagle badge for maximum delusion\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAdjustable strap, one size fits most\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLimited run — ships fast, collapses faster\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eSpecifications\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eType: Corduroy\/mesh trucker cap\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMaterial: 100% corduroy front, poly blend back\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFit: One size fits most (adjustable strap)\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eEmbroidery: Front text + patch details\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eExtras: Faux military ribbons \u0026amp; eagle emblem\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCare: Spot clean only\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eOrigin: Handmade in the USA\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eWhat You’re Getting\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou’re not buying a joke — you’re buying a well-made hat with a joke on it. Quality that won’t make you question your life choices.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns and exchanges within 30 days of delivery. Items must be unworn, unwashed, and still capable of starting arguments. If something’s off, email us with your order number and we’ll make it right.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":44163425992756,"sku":null,"price":38.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/front.png?v=1759902526"},{"product_id":"rooftop-rookies-hat","title":"Rooftop Rookies Hat — Funny Trucker Hat for Political Satire Fans","description":"\u003cp\u003eOn July 13th, 2024, the slope was too steep. The security detail was apparently not briefed on basic geometry. And thus, a hat was born.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe \u003cstrong\u003eRooftop Rookies Trucker Hat\u003c\/strong\u003e is wearable dark humor for anyone who watched the excuses roll in and thought, \"yes, this belongs on a hat.\" It's satirical. It's deadpan. It fits most heads, which is more than can be said for most explanations that day.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFine Print (read carefully, unlike the briefing):\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e🧢 100% polyester foam front, nylon mesh back — breathable, like the perimeter wasn't\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e🔒 Adjustable plastic snapback — one size fits most, regardless of slope gradient\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e🪡 Six-row stitching on the visor for an air of \"officially unserious\" authority\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e🎨 Seven color combos, zero excuses\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e📦 Ships with minor creases that disappear once worn — unlike certain talking points\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eTrucker hat. Polyester\/nylon. Spot clean only. One size fits most (22.8\" \/ 58cm). Pairs well with dark humor, political exhaustion, and a healthy distrust of rooftop risk assessments.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":44453013880884,"sku":"97709391028890909218","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/13794071444975251610_2048.jpg?v=1721386581"},{"product_id":"chronically-online-disaster-response-volunteer-cap-incident-69420-authorized-personnel-only-1","title":"CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE VOLUNTEER CAP — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY","description":"\u003cp\u003eNo agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross, not anyone with a hotline or a casserole. When the disaster was \u003cem\u003ethe entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes\u003c\/em\u003e, you had to self-deploy. This cap is your official documentation. Embroidered seal. Incident number. Deployment date: March 2020. Status: \u003cstrong\u003eONGOING.\u003c\/strong\u003e You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by circumstance, by the algorithm, by a news cycle that never called for an all-clear. Wear it with the thousand-yard stare you earned.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eStructured dad hat, deadpan embroidered front patch reading \u003cstrong\u003eCHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE\u003c\/strong\u003e, fake agency seal on the side, incident classification on the back: \u003cem\u003ePSYCHIC MASS CASUALTY EVENT \/ ONGOING \/ NO ESTIMATED RESOLUTION DATE.\u003c\/em\u003e It reads exactly like a volunteer deployment cap right up until it doesn't. The double-take on a stranger's face is the entire point. You survived something real. The hat just says the quiet part in 6-panel structured twill.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAgency:\u003c\/strong\u003e Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 13, 2020\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eIncident Classification:\u003c\/strong\u003e Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eIncident #:\u003c\/strong\u003e 69420-DOOMSCROLL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDeployment Status:\u003c\/strong\u003e ACTIVE \/ NO DEMOBILIZATION DATE SET\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAuthorized Activities:\u003c\/strong\u003e Refreshing, quote-tweeting into the void, developing opinions about strangers, doomscrolling as civic duty\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBenefits Package:\u003c\/strong\u003e None. There is no benefits package. There was never a benefits package.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eNext Briefing:\u003c\/strong\u003e Whenever something happens, which will be soon, which will be worse\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"One size \/ Black","offer_id":48002139488308,"sku":"11196050686225590195","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ White","offer_id":48002139521076,"sku":"25912210007597302671","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ Charcoal","offer_id":48002139553844,"sku":"17971663275080971035","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/2586734129750053742_2048.jpg?v=1783572231"}],"url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/collections\/hats.oembed","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}