{"title":"Tees","description":"\u003cp\u003eGraphic tees that punch up, say the quiet part loud, and hit before your brain catches up. Weird Castle tees are not fan merch, not inspirational quotes, not 'funny sayings' from a rack at the airport gift shop. These are satirical shirts with a specific target and an actual take — on billionaires who don't pay taxes, agencies that fail on the job, politicians who start wars they won't fight, and the chronically online disaster tourists who show up everywhere. If you've been looking for edgy political shirts, dark humor graphic tees, or satirical gifts that would make a journalist nervous and a lobbyist uncomfortable, you found the right castle.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEvery tee is a blunt instrument dressed as a joke. Fake-official seals. Deadpan incident reports. Civil War veteran energy. Rooftop commentary. The kind of shirt that gets you a long look from someone who definitely knows exactly what it means. We make funny shirts for people who read the footnotes, watch the press conference AND the leaked footage, and laugh at things that probably shouldn't be funny. Gag gifts for the politically unhinged, weird tees for the historically literate, and statement shirts for anyone who's done pretending the powerful deserve the benefit of the doubt. Weird Castle. We have a take.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"civil-war-veteran-tee","title":"Civil War Veteran Tee — Proudly Served (1861-1865)","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eYou served in the Civil War. You were definitely there. This shirt proves it.\u003c\/strong\u003e All-over printed with crossed muskets, “Civil War Veteran” on front, and “Proudly Served” on back — because if you’re going to lie about your military record, you might as well commit to it with your entire torso.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Civil War Veteran Tee is a full-body declaration of service you never rendered in a war that ended 160+ years ago. It’s loud, it’s all-over print, and it will generate more confused stares per square inch than any other garment in your closet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eFeatures\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAll-over sublimation print\u003c\/strong\u003e — your fake service record covers every angle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCrossed muskets front graphic\u003c\/strong\u003e — the universal symbol for “I definitely fought in this”\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e“CIVIL WAR VETERAN” front text\u003c\/strong\u003e — in case anyone was wondering\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003e“PROUDLY SERVED” back text\u003c\/strong\u003e — for when you walk away from conversations you can’t win\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eSizes XS–XXXXL\u003c\/strong\u003e — fake valor comes in every size\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eSpecifications\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrint method: All-over sublimation\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMaterial: Lightweight performance fabric\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFit: Unisex, standard\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSizes: XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL, XXXXL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFulfillment: Print-on-demand via Printify\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWhat You’re Getting\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA t-shirt that turns your entire body into a monument to a war you didn’t fight in. Pair it with the Civil War Veteran Hat for full dress uniform status. Or wear it alone and let people figure it out.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eReturns + Exchanges\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe accept returns within 30 days. Shirt must be unworn and in original condition. Your imaginary service record remains on file permanently.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"XS","offer_id":44231089586228,"sku":"26071679080842340824","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S","offer_id":44231089618996,"sku":"19413145720312192840","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M","offer_id":44231089651764,"sku":"19700391502477295689","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L","offer_id":44231089684532,"sku":"33453301013408821327","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL","offer_id":44231089717300,"sku":"29259071118548166981","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXL","offer_id":44231089750068,"sku":"71139993984543366470","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXXL","offer_id":44231089782836,"sku":"16864216172499758577","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXXXL","offer_id":44231089815604,"sku":"14212026998804085148","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/BWG-CW1-SHIRT-BACK.png?v=1760570820"},{"product_id":"rooftop-rookies-shirt","title":"Rooftop Rookies Tee — Funny Secret Service Satire Shirt","description":"\u003cp\u003eOn July 13th, 2024, the United States Secret Service looked at a sloped rooftop, said \"nah,\" and made history. The \u003cstrong\u003eRooftop Rookies Tee\u003c\/strong\u003e is a monument to that decision — soft, pre-shrunk, and absolutely riddled with the kind of disbelief that doesn't fade in the wash. Wear it to the range, the cookout, or anywhere you feel the need to silently communicate that you have read the news and have thoughts.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\"The roof was too slippery\" — the official excuse, now available in cotton form\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eComfort Colors 1717 — 100% ring-spun US cotton, ethically grown, slope-adjacent\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e6.1 oz medium weight — breathable enough for rooftop surveillance, allegedly\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRelaxed fit \u0026amp; crew neck — chaos casual, irony chic, government-accountability core\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePre-shrunk — holds its shape longer than the official story did\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUS Cotton Trust Protocol certified — unlike the security perimeter\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003eUnisex relaxed-fit tee. Runs true to size. Printed in the USA. A genuinely great gift for anyone who followed the news that day and has not stopped thinking about it.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":44452614733876,"sku":"10854167876987270083","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":44452614766644,"sku":"17624560356119735178","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Moss \/ S","offer_id":44452614799412,"sku":"31950486793368081177","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ S","offer_id":44452614832180,"sku":"12330436343311505328","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":44452614864948,"sku":"15926998187220880296","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":44452614897716,"sku":"18090448673614958374","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Moss \/ M","offer_id":44452614930484,"sku":"11094833132572478335","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ M","offer_id":44452614963252,"sku":"27023029389991972497","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":44452614996020,"sku":"10584966025089996235","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Moss \/ L","offer_id":44452615028788,"sku":"15311561797789737660","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ L","offer_id":44452615061556,"sku":"31281969389171601242","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Moss \/ XL","offer_id":44452615094324,"sku":"21109588207289535590","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ XL","offer_id":44452615127092,"sku":"35803885811790184754","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XXL","offer_id":44452615159860,"sku":"13152707185099036468","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XXL","offer_id":44452615192628,"sku":"31960765451400674568","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Moss \/ XXL","offer_id":44452615225396,"sku":"72301285793407407448","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ XXL","offer_id":44452615258164,"sku":"31232840459215993051","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XXXL","offer_id":44452615290932,"sku":"23625374124762785188","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ XXXL","offer_id":44452615323700,"sku":"79387913616769516622","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XXXL","offer_id":44452615356468,"sku":"84372786008248182807","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/7423634665749769792_2048.jpg?v=1755679273"},{"product_id":"mikeys-rolling-tee","title":"Mikey’s Rolling Tee","description":"\u003cp data-start=\"130\" data-end=\"336\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"130\" data-end=\"145\"\u003eDescription\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"145\" data-end=\"148\"\u003eMikey’s had a long week. Now he’s rolling up — gloved hands and all. This tee captures everyone’s favorite rodent in a not-so-family-friendly moment: mid-joint, mid-roll, zero apologies.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"338\" data-end=\"434\"\u003eSoft, breathable, and perfect for anyone who likes their fashion with a side of felony energy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"436\" data-end=\"705\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"436\" data-end=\"448\"\u003eFeatures\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"448\" data-end=\"451\"\u003e👕 Unisex sizing from XS–3XL\u003cbr data-start=\"479\" data-end=\"482\"\u003e⚫ Available in black (stealth stoners) \u0026amp; ⚪ white (bold degenerates)\u003cbr data-start=\"549\" data-end=\"552\"\u003e😂 Guaranteed to get laughs, judgment, or both\u003cbr data-start=\"598\" data-end=\"601\"\u003e🌿 Perfect for 4\/20, house parties, or awkward family dinners\u003cbr data-start=\"662\" data-end=\"665\"\u003e🚫 Not officially licensed. Obviously.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"707\" data-end=\"949\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"707\" data-end=\"725\"\u003eSpecifications\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"725\" data-end=\"728\"\u003eProduct Type: Graphic tee\u003cbr data-start=\"753\" data-end=\"756\"\u003eMaterial: 100% soft cotton (pre-shrunk)\u003cbr data-start=\"795\" data-end=\"798\"\u003eFit: Unisex, true-to-size\u003cbr data-start=\"823\" data-end=\"826\"\u003eSizes: XS–3XL\u003cbr data-start=\"839\" data-end=\"842\"\u003eColors: Black \u0026amp; White\u003cbr data-start=\"863\" data-end=\"866\"\u003ePrint Method: High-quality screen print\u003cbr data-start=\"905\" data-end=\"908\"\u003eCare: Machine wash cold, tumble dry low\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ XS","offer_id":46978867036212,"sku":"1802970153139470338","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":46978867003444,"sku":"1802970153139470337","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":46978866970676,"sku":"1802970153139470336","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":46978867134516,"sku":"1802970153139470341","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XL","offer_id":46978867101748,"sku":"1802970153139470340","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XXL","offer_id":46978867068980,"sku":"1802970153139470339","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ XXXL","offer_id":46978867167284,"sku":"1802970153139470342","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XS","offer_id":46978867265588,"sku":"1802970524838690831","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ S","offer_id":46978867232820,"sku":"1802970524838690828","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ M","offer_id":46978867200052,"sku":"1802970524838690825","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ L","offer_id":46978867363892,"sku":"1802970524838690840","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XL","offer_id":46978867331124,"sku":"1802970524838690837","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XXL","offer_id":46978867298356,"sku":"1802970524838690834","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"White \/ XXXL","offer_id":46978867396660,"sku":"1802970524838690843","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/jgrPMiA2sSLpc8CA.webp?v=1753265464"},{"product_id":"autism-tee","title":"Autism Tee","description":"\u003cp data-start=\"96\" data-end=\"181\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"96\" data-end=\"111\"\u003eDescription\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"111\" data-end=\"114\"\u003eWe don’t know what’s going on here either — and that’s the point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"183\" data-end=\"429\"\u003eThe AUTISM tee is peak chaos: a flaming font, a breakdancing (?) skeleton, and a layout that screams \u003cem data-start=\"284\" data-end=\"309\"\u003e“neurodivergent energy”\u003c\/em\u003e without asking for permission or clarification. It’s weird, proud, and aggressively unserious — just like most of us.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"431\" data-end=\"448\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"431\" data-end=\"446\"\u003ePerfect For\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-start=\"449\" data-end=\"578\"\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"449\" data-end=\"479\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"451\" data-end=\"479\"\u003eFans of absurdist memewear\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"480\" data-end=\"509\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"482\" data-end=\"509\"\u003eUnfiltered spectrum humor\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"510\" data-end=\"578\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"512\" data-end=\"578\"\u003eAnyone who likes their identity with a side of flaming skeletons\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"580\" data-end=\"593\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"580\" data-end=\"591\"\u003eDetails\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-start=\"594\" data-end=\"915\"\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"594\" data-end=\"624\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"596\" data-end=\"624\"\u003eFit: Unisex, spectrum-wide\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"625\" data-end=\"683\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"627\" data-end=\"683\"\u003eMaterial: Breathable polyester mesh (ironically chill)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"684\" data-end=\"755\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"686\" data-end=\"755\"\u003ePrint: Flaming font + dancing skeleton of questionable coordination\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"756\" data-end=\"773\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"758\" data-end=\"773\"\u003eSizes: S–XXXL\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"774\" data-end=\"846\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"776\" data-end=\"846\"\u003eNotes: Wildly misunderstood by design, may cause public double takes\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"847\" data-end=\"915\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"849\" data-end=\"915\"\u003eDisclaimer: Definitely not a medically approved educational tool\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"SM","offer_id":46982367412276,"sku":"NNAWACDPX","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"MD","offer_id":46982367379508,"sku":"QHJIKE7O8","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"LG","offer_id":46982367346740,"sku":"JZGJBVK4H","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL","offer_id":46982367445044,"sku":"XJC7Z1689","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XS","offer_id":46982367477812,"sku":"EUJHDB3VL","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XXS","offer_id":46982367510580,"sku":"6J4UALXP2","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL","offer_id":46982369476660,"sku":"WIF1NRN","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL","offer_id":46982369411124,"sku":"ATZGR6F7W","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"5XL","offer_id":46982369378356,"sku":"E8WR429J7","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"6XL","offer_id":46982369345588,"sku":"SVKRD15WM","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL","offer_id":46982369443892,"sku":"XLXXEU0WP","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/GY6XZHvgSXjwxVss.webp?v=1753349095"},{"product_id":"hit-maxes-evade-taxes-tee","title":"Hit Maxes, Evade Taxes Tee","description":"\u003cp data-start=\"124\" data-end=\"198\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"124\" data-end=\"139\"\u003eDescription\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr data-start=\"139\" data-end=\"142\"\u003eThis isn’t just a pump cover — it’s a life philosophy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"200\" data-end=\"469\"\u003eWhen your deadlift PR is higher than your taxable income, you’ve entered a new bracket: the Department of Swolenomics. Built for max reps and minimal audits, this shirt features a jacked demigod flanked by flaming Benjamins and a fiscal policy your CPA won’t endorse.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"471\" data-end=\"589\"\u003eWhether you’re skipping leg day or your W-2, make a statement in breathable cotton that screams \u003cem data-start=\"567\" data-end=\"587\"\u003elimited liability.\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"591\" data-end=\"608\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"591\" data-end=\"606\"\u003ePerfect For\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-start=\"609\" data-end=\"739\"\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"609\" data-end=\"644\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"611\" data-end=\"644\"\u003eGym bros with offshore accounts\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"645\" data-end=\"682\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"647\" data-end=\"682\"\u003eLibertarians with creatine habits\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"683\" data-end=\"739\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"685\" data-end=\"739\"\u003eAnyone who considers filing taxes a personality flaw\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"741\" data-end=\"754\"\u003e\u003cstrong data-start=\"741\" data-end=\"752\"\u003eDetails\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cul data-start=\"755\" data-end=\"1037\"\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"755\" data-end=\"818\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"757\" data-end=\"818\"\u003eFabric: 100% breathable cotton, untraceable by IRS scanners\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"819\" data-end=\"878\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"821\" data-end=\"878\"\u003eFit: Loose enough for bulking, tight enough for flexing\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"879\" data-end=\"925\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"881\" data-end=\"925\"\u003eDesign: Jacked demigod + flaming Benjamins\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"926\" data-end=\"994\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"928\" data-end=\"994\"\u003eColors: 9 corruptible shades (consult your accountant, or don’t)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli data-start=\"995\" data-end=\"1037\"\u003e\n\u003cp data-start=\"997\" data-end=\"1037\"\u003eSizes: S–XXXL (all equally suspicious)\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ XS","offer_id":46982399819828,"sku":"KFGQTHB","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ S","offer_id":46982399852596,"sku":"SWENE3EWQ","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ M","offer_id":46982399885364,"sku":"6XOUZXP3C","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ L","offer_id":46982399918132,"sku":"D4DA01JV9","price":28.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Black \/ 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