{"product_id":"cash-4-ugly-souls-sticker","title":"Cash 4 Ugly Souls — Sticker","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe afterlife isn't a grand judgment or a choir of angels. It's a predatory LLC operating out of a strip mall, buying up distressed spiritual assets for pennies on the dollar. When the end comes, you aren't greeted by a solemn psychopomp—you're flagged down by a gig-economy Reaper aggressively spinning a piece of neon cardboard on a traffic median.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSkip the pearly gates and sell direct. We don't ask about the water damage on your conscience or the structural integrity of your morals. We just want to flip your essence to a private equity firm before the cosmic market crashes. Death comes for us all, but only a select few get a fast-cash buyout.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGuaranteed cash offer within 24 hours of total organ failure\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eNo inspections, no appraisals, no judgment for that thing you did in 2014\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSign-spinner is an independent contractor and does not receive earthly health benefits\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWe cover all closing costs and eternal damnation processing fees\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"3\" × 3\" \/ White","offer_id":48103940816948,"sku":"32566043110313500883","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4\" × 4\" \/ White","offer_id":48103940849716,"sku":"89256677631446823608","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/wc-plate_5ab3d7ea-4618-4ad9-bb88-9bbdb9262576.png?v=1785982673","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/cash-4-ugly-souls-sticker","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}