{"product_id":"chronically-online-disaster-response-volunteer-cap-incident-69420-authorized-personnel-only-1","title":"CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE VOLUNTEER CAP — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY","description":"\u003cp\u003eNo agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross, not anyone with a hotline or a casserole. When the disaster was \u003cem\u003ethe entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes\u003c\/em\u003e, you had to self-deploy. This cap is your official documentation. Embroidered seal. Incident number. Deployment date: March 2020. Status: \u003cstrong\u003eONGOING.\u003c\/strong\u003e You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by circumstance, by the algorithm, by a news cycle that never called for an all-clear. Wear it with the thousand-yard stare you earned.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eStructured dad hat, deadpan embroidered front patch reading \u003cstrong\u003eCHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE\u003c\/strong\u003e, fake agency seal on the side, incident classification on the back: \u003cem\u003ePSYCHIC MASS CASUALTY EVENT \/ ONGOING \/ NO ESTIMATED RESOLUTION DATE.\u003c\/em\u003e It reads exactly like a volunteer deployment cap right up until it doesn't. The double-take on a stranger's face is the entire point. You survived something real. The hat just says the quiet part in 6-panel structured twill.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAgency:\u003c\/strong\u003e Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 13, 2020\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eIncident Classification:\u003c\/strong\u003e Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eIncident #:\u003c\/strong\u003e 69420-DOOMSCROLL\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eDeployment Status:\u003c\/strong\u003e ACTIVE \/ NO DEMOBILIZATION DATE SET\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAuthorized Activities:\u003c\/strong\u003e Refreshing, quote-tweeting into the void, developing opinions about strangers, doomscrolling as civic duty\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eBenefits Package:\u003c\/strong\u003e None. There is no benefits package. There was never a benefits package.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eNext Briefing:\u003c\/strong\u003e Whenever something happens, which will be soon, which will be worse\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"One size \/ Black","offer_id":48002139488308,"sku":"11196050686225590195","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ White","offer_id":48002139521076,"sku":"25912210007597302671","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ Charcoal","offer_id":48002139553844,"sku":"17971663275080971035","price":37.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/2586734129750053742_2048.jpg?v=1783572231","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/chronically-online-disaster-response-volunteer-cap-incident-69420-authorized-personnel-only-1","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}