{"product_id":"fully-grown-adult-sticker","title":"Fully Grown Adult — Sticker","description":"\u003cp\u003eThirty-five years old, deteriorating bone density, and still pedaling a plastic tricycle through the ruins of a functioning economy. This is what peak performance looks like when you've been systemically infantilized while physically decaying. You did everything right, you got the degree, and your reward is furiously mashing the pedals on a toddler's ride-on just to maintain your current level of debt.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWe took the sickeningly cute 'adulting is hard' trope and stripped it down to the marrow. Pure, unadulterated existential dread wrapped in a deadpan declaration of independence. You are a grown-ass adult, and you are getting nowhere fast.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eApproved for ages 30 to inevitable systemic collapse.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDoes not include health insurance, property ownership, or a functioning retirement plan.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eWarning: furious pedaling will not outpace the current rate of inflation.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"3\" × 3\" \/ White","offer_id":48061937287220,"sku":"31055794716812235787","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4\" × 4\" \/ White","offer_id":48061937319988,"sku":"78564111602154117464","price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/17925358783344034714_1200.jpg?v=1784864475","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/fully-grown-adult-sticker","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}