{"product_id":"previously-functional-cap","title":"Previously Functional — Cap","description":"\u003cp\u003eMost industrial machinery gets a bright red tag when the gears finally grind to a halt. Humans just get an iced coffee and a Slack message asking for a quick sync. We bypassed the corporate wellness seminar entirely and issued this standard-issue decommissioning notice for your central nervous system. It is not a cry for help; it is a matter of public safety. You used to work. Now you do not.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDesigned to resemble a sterile mid-century factory inspection label, this is the most efficient way to communicate that your warranty expired sometime in 2019 and the replacement parts are currently stuck in a global supply chain bottleneck. Let management know the structural integrity of your psyche has been permanently compromised by prolonged exposure to unprecedented historical events.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eApproved for total systemic failure and structural collapse.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDo not attempt to reboot wearer with pizza parties or mindfulness apps.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eFactory reset impossible without a time machine and a trust fund.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCertified structurally unsound for late-stage capitalism.\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"One size \/ Black","offer_id":48064025559092,"sku":"11371109031031655643","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ White","offer_id":48064025591860,"sku":"18990632783786138253","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ Charcoal","offer_id":48064025624628,"sku":"20501979844888010512","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/3823231317652060921_2048.jpg?v=1784987729","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/previously-functional-cap","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}