{"product_id":"real-time-mortality-tracker-cap","title":"Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Cap","description":"\u003cp\u003eThey sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24\/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. It is a real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePerfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSyncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"One size \/ Black","offer_id":48068381179956,"sku":"23728596696959644782","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ White","offer_id":48068381212724,"sku":"11071669483532925683","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"One size \/ Charcoal","offer_id":48068381245492,"sku":"23393205285267056847","price":34.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/10329529561715875985_2048.jpg?v=1785166365","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/real-time-mortality-tracker-cap","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}