{"product_id":"real-time-mortality-tracker-tee","title":"Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eThey sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24\/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. It is a real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePerfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eHeart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSyncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Weird Castle","offers":[{"title":"S \/ Black","offer_id":48068381376564,"sku":"28559967097732548147","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ White","offer_id":48068381409332,"sku":"74059847199911310153","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Black","offer_id":48068381442100,"sku":"12818880073171777033","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ White","offer_id":48068381474868,"sku":"20309026126434133528","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Black","offer_id":48068381507636,"sku":"26786240512187675931","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ White","offer_id":48068381540404,"sku":"30286113929659620159","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Black","offer_id":48068381573172,"sku":"30874040839464968972","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ White","offer_id":48068381605940,"sku":"32838610460914997085","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Black","offer_id":48068381638708,"sku":"85676610981932922541","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ White","offer_id":48068381671476,"sku":"30912252480257319283","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/16982158587163133588_2048.jpg?v=1785166374","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/real-time-mortality-tracker-tee","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}