{"product_id":"student-processing-unit-tee","title":"Student Processing Unit — Tee","description":"\u003cp\u003eCongratulations. Your unit has been enrolled. Per federal throughput standards, each Student Processing Unit arrives factory-configured with a functional INTAKE port, a calibrated COMPLIANCE MODULE, and AUXILIARY STORAGE rated for 47 lbs of irrelevant worksheets. Units are processed Monday through Friday and discharged upon reaching minimum viable standardization. The diagram is for operator reference only. The smile is pre-installed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is not a critique. This is a schematic. Weird Castle Operations reminds you that compulsory processing has maintained a 97% discharge rate since 1852, and that your unit's cooperation is both expected and already assumed. Please ensure your unit arrives lubricated with breakfast and fully charged for six hours of compliance sequencing. Units displaying irregular behavior will be referred to a sub-module not depicted in this diagram.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eINTAKE rated for curriculum, pledge of allegiance, and 11:47am pizza rectangle\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eCOMPLIANCE MODULE inspected quarterly; non-compliance voids warranty\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eAUXILIARY STORAGE not responsible for lost permission slips\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDISCHARGE velocity subject to bell schedule and federal funding\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eUnit happiness is cosmetic and does not affect throughput\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eIssued by Weird Castle Operations, Dept. of Juvenile Throughput Management\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"S \/ Black","offer_id":48062073503796,"sku":"14144657857213341286","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ White","offer_id":48062073536564,"sku":"23204607654263418267","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Black","offer_id":48062073569332,"sku":"11809693380429158690","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ White","offer_id":48062073602100,"sku":"28371253962775594171","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Black","offer_id":48062073634868,"sku":"12300338954282093907","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ White","offer_id":48062073667636,"sku":"22785792624186960706","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Black","offer_id":48062073700404,"sku":"23346035273112187245","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ White","offer_id":48062073733172,"sku":"26693650090562568410","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Black","offer_id":48062073765940,"sku":"12101336221584400246","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ White","offer_id":48062073798708,"sku":"22524400324872591548","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0653\/7340\/5236\/files\/370363791931018079_2048.jpg?v=1784870717","url":"https:\/\/weirdcastle.com\/products\/student-processing-unit-tee","provider":"Weird Castle","version":"1.0","type":"link"}