CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY — Cap
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
No agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross, not anyone with a hotline or a casserole. When the disaster was the entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes, you had to self-deploy. This cap is your official documentation. You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by circumstance, by the algorithm, by a news cycle that never called for an all-clear. Wear it with the thousand-yard stare you earned.
- Agency: Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM)
- Incident Classification: Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event
- Incident #: 69420-DOOMSCROLL
- Deployment Status: ACTIVE / NO DEMOBILIZATION DATE SET
- Authorized Activities: Refreshing, quote-tweeting into the void, doomscrolling as civic duty
- Benefits Package: None. There was never a benefits package.
- Next Briefing: Whenever something happens, which will be soon, which will be worse
Classic 6-panel structured twill dad hat with an adjustable strap. Embroidered to last through the next unprecedented historical event. Ships fast.
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.