CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY — Sticker
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
No agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross. When the disaster was the entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes, you had to self-deploy. This vinyl sticker is your official documentation. Stick it on your laptop, your water bottle, or the router that keeps you tethered to this hellscape. You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by the algorithm.
A deadpan, official-looking decal reading CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE with a fake agency seal. It reads exactly like real volunteer deployment gear right up until someone actually reads it. The double-take is the entire point.
- Agency: Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 2020
- Incident Classification: Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event
- Authorized Activities: Refreshing, developing opinions about strangers, doomscrolling as civic duty
- Benefits Package: None. There is no benefits package.
- Specs: Premium, durable vinyl. Waterproof, weatherproof, and ready for unprecedented times.
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.