CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY — Tee

No agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross, not anyone with a hotline or a casserole. When the disaster was the entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes, you had to self-deploy. This t-shirt is your official documentation. Deployment date: March 2020. Status: ONGOING. You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by circumstance, by the algorithm, by a news cycle that never called for an all-clear. Wear it with the thousand-yard stare you earned.

Featuring a deadpan graphic reading CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, complete with a fake agency seal. It reads exactly like a volunteer deployment shirt right up until it doesn't. The double-take on a stranger's face is the entire point. You survived something real. The shirt just says the quiet part out loud.

• Agency: Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 13, 2020
• Incident Classification: Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event
• Incident #: 69420-DOOMSCROLL
• Deployment Status: ACTIVE / NO DEMOBILIZATION DATE SET
• Authorized Activities: Refreshing, quote-tweeting into the void, doomscrolling as civic duty
• Benefits Package: None. There is no benefits package. There was never a benefits package.

Classic unisex fit, printed on ultra-soft 100% cotton so you stay comfortable during your endless scrolling shifts.

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.