firstborn for ranch T-Shirt — Dressing Midwest Bad Parenting Child

Look, kids are expensive, loud, and constantly need attention. A one-liter bottle of original buttermilk ranch dressing is creamy, versatile, and never asks you to explain long division. It is simple economics. We all know someone who treats the white gold like a beverage, and we all know someone who probably should not have reproduced. This just brings those two demographics together for a beautiful, savory transaction.

Perfect for family reunions, baby showers, or that one midwestern restaurant that still has the nerve to charge fifty cents for extra sauce. Let the world know exactly where your priorities lie and what your genetic legacy is actually worth on the open condiment market.

the fine print:

• All child-to-condiment exchanges are final.
• Does not include baby carrots, celery sticks, or a custody lawyer.
• Please ensure the toddler has a basic understanding of farm chores prior to transfer.
• Weird Castle is not responsible for the plummeting resale value of your bloodline.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.