Old No. 7 Toaster Pastries Hoodie — Funny Pop-Tarts

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why we have streamlined the process of waking up and giving up into one convenient foil packet. Forget the coffee pot; nothing cuts through the bleak reality of a Tuesday morning commute like artificially flavored brown liquor sealed inside a chalky crust of frosted sugar.

Perfect for the functioning professional who needs their empty calories and their coping mechanisms delivered simultaneously. Pop it in the toaster, let that intoxicating aroma fill the breakroom, and maintain aggressive eye contact with HR while you chew.

• Contains zero percent actual whiskey, one hundred percent emotional resonance
• Do not operate heavy machinery after the third pastry
• Part of a complete breakfast, assuming the rest of the breakfast is a cigarette
• HR is already typing the email

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.