Terminal Evolution — Tee

Science proves that over millions of years, diverse organisms keep independently evolving into crabs. It is called carcinization, and it means your current fleshy, upright-walking meat-sack phase is just an awkward transitional state on the way to becoming a heavily armored bottom-feeder.

Cast in heavy bronze with the grim authority of a natural history museum exhibit, this desktop monument proves that even the apex of biological perfection cannot escape the daily grind. You finally evolved a protective shell and crushing pincers, and they still made you carry a briefcase to the morning strategy meeting.

• Solid bronze, heavy enough to weigh down any remaining human optimism
• Biologically impervious to workplace morale initiatives
• Claws perfectly adapted for severing ethernet cables
• Sideways walking is the most efficient way to avoid eye contact with management

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.