Factory Employee of the Month Hoodie — Funny Vulgar Award Parody

Printed as: “Three-Time Dick Sucking Factory Employee Of The Month”

Some people get a laminated certificate for never being late to the regional accounting firm. You get a cheerful retro cartoon sun celebrating your absolute, unchallenged dominance on the assembly line. It takes grit, determination, and exceptional jaw stamina to take home the top honors at the factory for an unprecedented three consecutive months.

In an era of quiet quitting and uninspired labor, it is important to show some goddamn pride in your craft. Wear it to your next performance review, family reunion, or quarterly all-hands meeting to establish dominance and remind upper management who really puts in the hard yards around here.

the fine print:

• Benefits package includes union-mandated chapstick and early-onset TMJ.
• OSHA compliance currently under extremely vigorous investigation.
• HR would like a word, but they are unfortunately also in the queue.