Zero Sugar Zero Accountability Sticker — White Monster Energy Drink

Look, your resting heart rate was pushing 140, the sucralose was singing in your bloodstream, and the intrusive thoughts simply seized the wheel. It is not your fault you told your extended family exactly what you thought of them at dinner. It was the carbonated battery acid talking, and it had a lot of ground to cover.

This is the official public statement for waking up, checking your sent messages, and realizing you either have to flee the state or blame the taurine. For legal purposes, the entity that operated your mouth yesterday was a sovereign cryptid entirely summoned by aluminum cans.

• The ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for chemical hubris
• Side effects may include temporary godhood and permanent social exile
• Not currently recognized as a valid defense during an HR tribunal