Cellular Denial Crème — Hoodie

The multi-billion dollar beauty industry wants to sell you "radiance" and "renewal." We just want to sell you the physical manifestation of your mounting dread printed on a premium hooded sweatshirt. The graphic features the heavy frosted glass and brushed gold of a $400 department store miracle serum, wrapped around the only active ingredient that actually matters: pure, unadulterated denial.

• Does not contain retinol, peptides, or hope
• Clinically proven to be a comfortable garment you put on your torso
• Not evaluated by the FDA for the treatment of existential terror
• Wear nightly until the heat death of the universe

Gildan 18500 unisex hooded sweatshirt, classic fit, 8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²). 50% cotton, 50% polyester. Pouch pocket. Double-lined hood with color-matched drawcord. Ribbed cuffs and hem. Direct-to-garment (DTG) print, front.

Gildan 18500 unisex hooded sweatshirt, classic fit, 8.0 oz/yd² (271 g/m²). 50% cotton, 50% polyester. Pouch pocket. Double-lined hood with color-matched drawcord. Ribbed cuffs and hem. Direct-to-garment (DTG) print, front.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.