Dead Battery — Hoodie

Look, funerals are expensive and towing him to the morgue feels like a rip-off. He was running fine yesterday. Just pull the Subaru around, hook up the leads, and let's see if we can get a turnover before we throw the whole guy away.

The ultimate suburban dad flex is refusing to accept human mortality when there is a perfectly good set of heavy-duty jumper cables in the garage. Just give it a little gas. If this does not work, we are tapping the casket with a wrench.

• Black goes to ground, red goes to the sternum
• We are not legally responsible for whatever wakes up
• Still cheaper than an out-of-network ambulance
• Please do not flood the engine

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