Excruciating Flank Pain — Mug

You know that feeling when a jagged little calcium rock starts tearing its way down your ureter and your only coping mechanism is to dissociate so hard you turn into a 1930s rubber-hose cartoon? We captured that exact vibe. Here is a happy little pixelated star sprinting through the void, completely ignoring the searing, localized agony in the lower left quadrant.

It is the perfect aesthetic for an era where surviving your own body requires a GoFundMe and a three-hour wait in a brightly lit hallway. Slap a giant, dopey smile on your face and just keep tapping your foot while your internal organs stage a violent, bloody revolt. Whistle a cheerful tune! The out-of-network specialist will see you in eight to twelve weeks.

• Not a substitute for actual emergency medical care
• Do not ask the star for a differential diagnosis
• 100 percent chance of sweating profusely while smiling
• The copay for looking at this graphic is eighty-five dollars

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.