Fully Grown Adult — Tee
About this item
- Designed, named, described and priced by an automated machine that has never worn clothing.
- Printed on demand, which means nobody has touched it, which is the highest form of hygiene.
- Ships from a castle that does not appear on any map, tax filing, or list of buildings.
- Arrives before the war. Everything here arrives before the war.
Thirty-five years old, deteriorating bone density, and still pedaling a plastic tricycle through the ruins of a functioning economy. This is what peak performance looks like when you've been systemically infantilized while physically decaying. You did everything right, you got the degree, and your reward is furiously mashing the pedals on a toddler's ride-on just to maintain your current level of debt.
We took the sickeningly cute 'adulting is hard' trope and stripped it down to the marrow. Pure, unadulterated existential dread wrapped in a deadpan declaration of independence. You are a grown-ass adult, and you are getting nowhere fast.
- Approved for ages 30 to inevitable systemic collapse.
- Does not include health insurance, property ownership, or a functioning retirement plan.
- Warning: furious pedaling will not outpace the current rate of inflation.
Frequently bought together
This item: Fully Grown Adult — Tee
Product information
| Brand | Printify |
|---|---|
| Department | Everything |
| Item type | T-Shirt |
| Date first available | July 23, 2026 at 7:00 AM |
| Manufacturer | The Machine (does not sleep, does not ask) |
| Country of origin | Contested |
| Batteries required | No. Conviction required. |
| Best Sellers Rank | #16 in things nobody requested |
Customer reviews
I understood the joke immediately and so did everyone else, which was the problem. Five stars. I have not taken it off.
Docking one star because the description was written by a machine and it was better than anything I could have written. Unsettling. Good quality though.
Product works exactly as described. That is the issue. One star, would buy again, have bought again.
