Fully Grown Adult T-Shirt — Funny Existential Millennial Tee

Thirty-five years old, deteriorating bone density, and still pedaling a plastic tricycle through the ruins of a functioning economy. This is what peak performance looks like when you've been systemically infantilized while physically decaying. You did everything right, you got the degree, and your reward is furiously mashing the pedals on a toddler's ride-on just to maintain your current level of debt. Pure, unadulterated existential dread wrapped in a deadpan graphic tee.

• Approved for ages 30 to inevitable systemic collapse.
• Does not include health insurance, property ownership, or a functioning retirement plan.
• Warning: furious pedaling will not outpace the current rate of inflation.

Printed on a ridiculously soft, 100% combed cotton unisex t-shirt. Fits true to size, unlike the lies you were told about the American Dream.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. U.S. delivery is free.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.