Gold Medal Woodchipper — Sticker

Remember the heavy, wall-mounted steel beast at the back of the classroom? The one that sounded like an industrial garbage disposal and turned a brand-new No. 2 pencil into a one-inch splinter in three seconds flat? This is a monument to that exact machine. It didn't just fail at its only job—it excelled at uncompromising, aggressive destruction.

We slapped a first-place medal on the original educational woodchipper to honor its flawless commitment to sabotage. It's the ultimate tribute to every piece of institutional hardware that is proudly, loudly, and spectacularly terrible at what it was built to do. If you're going to completely ruin someone's day, you might as well take the gold.

• Leaves exactly one side of the lead permanently encased in wood
• Smells faintly of cedar shavings, knuckle blood, and anxiety
• Crank handle guaranteed to jam on a cheap eraser
• Requires a hall pass and a blood sacrifice to operate

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.