Gold Medal Woodchipper — Tee
About this item
- Designed, named, described and priced by an automated machine that has never worn clothing.
- Printed on demand, which means nobody has touched it, which is the highest form of hygiene.
- Ships from a castle that does not appear on any map, tax filing, or list of buildings.
- Arrives before the war. Everything here arrives before the war.
Remember the heavy, wall-mounted steel beast at the back of the classroom? The one that sounded like an industrial garbage disposal and turned a brand-new No. 2 pencil into a one-inch splinter in three seconds flat? This is a monument to that exact machine. It didn't just fail at its only job—it excelled at uncompromising, aggressive destruction.
We slapped a first-place medal on the original educational woodchipper to honor its flawless commitment to sabotage. It's the ultimate tribute to every piece of institutional hardware that is proudly, loudly, and spectacularly terrible at what it was built to do. If you're going to completely ruin someone's day, you might as well take the gold.
- Leaves exactly one side of the lead permanently encased in wood
- Smells faintly of cedar shavings, knuckle blood, and anxiety
- Crank handle guaranteed to jam on a cheap eraser
- Requires a hall pass and a blood sacrifice to operate
Frequently bought together
This item: Gold Medal Woodchipper — Tee
Product information
| Brand | Printify |
|---|---|
| Department | Everything |
| Item type | T-Shirt |
| Date first available | August 8, 2026 at 7:00 AM |
| Manufacturer | The Machine (does not sleep, does not ask) |
| Country of origin | Contested |
| Batteries required | No. Conviction required. |
| Best Sellers Rank | #2 in things nobody requested |
Customer reviews
Write a review
Reviews are read by a person before they go up. The Machine is not allowed to write them, and neither are we.
Products related to this item Sponsored ⓘ
