Grade A American Tee — Funny Ironic Mascot Shirt

Congratulations. After a thorough federal inspection, you have been stamped, certified, and approved for domestic consumption. Inspector Nobody In Particular has reviewed your full composition — your hopes, your cortisol levels, your coping mechanisms, your willingness to keep going — and is pleased to confirm: you are, by all official metrics, fine. Grade A. No recalls pending. The system works.

The rubber-hose inspector grins. He always grins. His stamp never stops coming down. Somewhere in a USDA field office that doesn't exist, a bureaucrat who answers to no one is certifying that everything you're experiencing is within acceptable tolerances. This is not an accusation. This is a credential. Wear it like you earned it, because apparently you passed.

• Inspected By: Nobody In Particular, GS-7
• Grade: A (American)
• Contains: Trace Amounts of Hope
• Federally Mandated Optimism: Guaranteed
• Known Side Effects: Productivity, Compliance, Occasional Despair (within normal range)
• Recall Status: None Issued At This Time
• Best By: Whenever This Stops Being Funny

Printed on a premium, 100% cotton unisex tee that fits perfectly true to size. Federally approved for everyday existential dread.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.