Sportsbook Philanthropist — Tee

Ah, the sport of kings. The thunder of hooves, the crisp morning air, the unmistakable dignity of blowing your entire bi-weekly paycheck on a six-leg Lithuanian table tennis parlay while sitting on the toilet. Welcome to the upper crust.

We have elevated the modern degenerate into the aristocracy they deserve. You aren't a gambling addict trapped in a frictionless algorithmic dopamine loop; you are a generous donor to the offshore accounts of a massive corporate sportsbook. Wear your elite status with pride, right up until the repo man takes your sedan.

• Smartphone blinder keeps out distractions like 'your family' and 'financial ruin'
• Graph strictly trends downward in a rich, aristocratic crimson
• 100% tax-deductible (according to a guy named Sully behind the track)
• Official uniform of the zero-percent owner