Terminal Evolution — Hoodie

Science proves that over millions of years, diverse organisms keep independently evolving into crabs. It is called carcinization, and it means your current fleshy, upright-walking meat-sack phase is just an awkward transitional state on the way to becoming a heavily armored bottom-feeder.

Cast in heavy bronze with the grim authority of a natural history museum exhibit, this desktop monument proves that even the apex of biological perfection cannot escape the daily grind. You finally evolved a protective shell and crushing pincers, and they still made you carry a briefcase to the morning strategy meeting.

• Solid bronze, heavy enough to weigh down any remaining human optimism
• Biologically impervious to workplace morale initiatives
• Claws perfectly adapted for severing ethernet cables
• Sideways walking is the most efficient way to avoid eye contact with management