The Long Way — Mug

Society wants you to eat it like a typewriter. Left to right, little bites, ding. But you are not a machine. You are a biological terror, and you refuse to conform to Big Agriculture’s horizontal consumption agenda. Unhinge your jaw like a starved python and assert immediate, terrifying dominance at the neighborhood barbecue.

This helpful minimalist diagram separates the compliant sheep from the apex predators. For the dietary visionary who looks at a twelve-inch starchy cylinder and whispers, I am going to maintain unbroken eye contact while I do this.

• Requires mild, temporary dislocation of the lower mandible.
• Guaranteed to make your in-laws leave the cookout early.
• Do not attempt with heavily buttered cobs unless you have a spotter.
• Weird Castle assumes no liability for throat geometry alterations.