The Michael Blueprint — Hoodie

The undisputed pinnacle of late-twentieth-century bio-mechanical engineering. By synthesizing the relentless, unkillable stalking mechanics of Haddonfield’s favorite son with the anti-gravity lean and sequenced glitter of a pop deity, R&D has finally patented a device capable of terrifying a babysitter while hitting a perfect falsetto.

Rendered in the cold, unfeeling lines of an industrial schematic, this blueprint exposes the inner workings of the ultimate hybrid organism. It is a testament to what happens when corporate innovation completely abandons ethics to focus on maximizing both body counts and global record sales.

• Subject will instinctively moonwalk past fleeing victims to optimize dramatic tension.
• Warning: Do not stare directly into the sequined butcher knife.
• Auditory sensors trigger unprompted crotch-grabbing and high-pitched vocalizations in the presence of teenagers.
• Patent null and void if exposed to open flame, gratuitous sequels, or 1990s documentary crews.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. U.S. delivery is free.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.