Too Horny For Chili's Hoodie — Funny Horny in This Chilis

Sometimes the appetizers hit a little too hard. For the veteran of the great Casual Dining Wars who refuses to apologize for their biological imperatives between bites of Southwestern Eggrolls, this heavily armed, deeply inappropriate bovine is ready to lay down suppressing fire and make everyone in the dining room extremely uncomfortable.

Whether you're staring into the middle distance at a suburban strip mall or just trying to secure a table for one without judgment, this is your battle flag. Stop pretending you're just here for the unlimited chips and salsa. Say the quiet part out loud, lock and load, and let the waitstaff know exactly what kind of threat level they're dealing with today.

• Guaranteed to expedite your removal from any family-friendly establishment.
• Does not qualify you for a military discount on baby back ribs.
• Management reserves the right to ask you to stop sweating profusely at the hostess stand.