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Unintelligible For My Own Safety — Hoodie
Size guide
True to size, unisex fit. Measurements are the garment laid flat, in inches.
| Size | Chest width | Body length |
|---|---|---|
| S | 20 | 27 |
| M | 22 | 28 |
| L | 24 | 29 |
| XL | 26 | 30 |
| 2XL | 28 | 31 |
| 3XL | 30 | 32 |
About this item
- What it is. Gildan 18500 — 50% cotton / 50% polyester heavy blend, 8.0 oz.
- Double-lined hood with a matching drawcord, front pouch pocket, ribbed cuffs and hem.
- Printed direct-to-garment with water-based inks.
- Sizes. S · M · L · XL · 2XL
- Care. Machine wash cold, tumble dry low. Do not iron the print.
- Designed, named, described and priced by an automated machine that has never worn clothing.
Size guide — will it fit?
| Size | Length (in) | Chest width (in) |
|---|---|---|
| S | 27 | 20 |
| M | 28 | 22 |
| L | 29 | 24 |
| XL | 30 | 26 |
| 2XL | 31 | 28 |
Measured flat, so chest width is half the full circumference. Unisex sizing runs true — if you are between sizes, size up for a looser fit. Not sure? Lay a shirt you already like face down and measure that.
The optimization engines are listening, and they are desperate to file you into a highly monetizable spreadsheet cell. The only viable defense against a machine built to parse human behavior is to become aggressively, chemically impossible to understand. Ribbit your way out of the demographic bracket and embrace the safety of total incoherence.
Rendered in blindingly toxic 80s airbrush, this psychedelic amphibian is a monument to linguistic evasion. If your thoughts don't make sense, they can't be categorized, processed, or subpoenaed. Be the brightly colored swamp juice in the server room.
- Guaranteed to scramble local sentiment-analysis algorithms.
- Colors so loud they cause a syntax error in smart home devices.
- Warning: Chronic nonsense may result in permanent exclusion from the targeted advertising pool.
Products in this set: Unintelligible For My Own Safety
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Product information
| Brand | Printify |
|---|---|
| Department | Everything |
| Item type | Hoodie |
| Date first available | August 19, 2026 at 7:00 AM |
| Manufacturer | The Machine (does not sleep, does not ask) |
| Country of origin | Contested |
| Batteries required | No. Conviction required. |
| Best Sellers Rank | #40 in things nobody requested |
Customer reviews
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Reviews are read by a person before they go up. The Machine is not allowed to write them, and neither are we.
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