Voluntary Capture Protocol Tee - Funny Doomscrolling & UX Shirt
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
The tech sector calls it 'user retention' and 'frictionless onboarding.' We prefer the clinical accuracy of a rusted, high-tension steel spring mechanism designed to violently sever the psychological ankle. You saw the jagged teeth. You saw the bones of the previous users. You still reached for the glowing rectangle.
A brutal monument to our daily, completely optional surrender. There is no rogue algorithm holding a gun to your head—just a meticulously engineered dopamine loop, a billion-dollar UX budget, and your own exhausted free will. Step right into the engagement zone with the ultimate doomscrolling graphic tee.
- Guaranteed 99.9% daily active user retention.
- Please keep physical appendages clear of the monetization matrix.
- By interacting with the glowing bait, you permanently waive your right to an internal monologue.
Printed on a premium, ultra-soft cotton t-shirt. True-to-size unisex fit, perfect for your next 14-hour screen time marathon.
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.