100% Genuine Battle Freaks — Hoodie

Welcome back to the discount toy aisle of 1998, where the plastics gave you a headache and the mascots looked like they had a violent criminal record. We bypassed the beloved franchises entirely to bring you the genuine, legally evasive bootlegs your grandmother accidentally bought you for your birthday.

Featuring a jaundiced rat burdened with human ears and a miserable turtle carrying a cinderblock, this aggressively official artwork exists purely to exploit international copyright loopholes. It captures the deeply unsettling energy of a factory trying to guess what western children want, and getting it horribly, hilariously wrong.

The fine print:

• Do not make direct eye contact with the yellow rodent.
• 100% official merchandise of a franchise that does not legally exist.
• Will immediately forfeit any battle against a licensed cease-and-desist.
• Evolves strictly into a protracted trademark dispute.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. U.S. delivery is free.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.