Chronically Online Disaster Response, Incident #69420, Authorized Personnel Only — Sticker

No agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross. When the disaster was the entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes, you had to self-deploy. This vinyl sticker is your official documentation. Stick it on your laptop, your water bottle, or the router that keeps you tethered to this hellscape. You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by the algorithm.

A deadpan, official-looking decal reading CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE with a fake agency seal. It reads exactly like real volunteer deployment gear right up until someone actually reads it. The double-take is the entire point.

• Agency: Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 2020
• Incident Classification: Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event
• Authorized Activities: Refreshing, developing opinions about strangers, doomscrolling as civic duty
• Benefits Package: None. There is no benefits package.

Kiss-cut sticker. 100% durable vinyl. Kiss-cut to shape with the backing left intact. Glossy finish. Indoor decor — not waterproof. UV print, kiss-cut.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. U.S. delivery is free.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.