Fully Grown Adult T-Shirt — Funny Existential Millennial Tee

Thirty-five years old, deteriorating bone density, and still pedaling a plastic tricycle through the ruins of a functioning economy. This is what peak performance looks like when you've been systemically infantilized while physically decaying. You did everything right, you got the degree, and your reward is furiously mashing the pedals on a toddler's ride-on just to maintain your current level of debt. Pure, unadulterated existential dread wrapped in a deadpan graphic tee.

• Approved for ages 30 to inevitable systemic collapse.
• Does not include health insurance, property ownership, or a functioning retirement plan.
• Warning: furious pedaling will not outpace the current rate of inflation.

Printed on a ridiculously soft, 100% combed cotton unisex t-shirt. Fits true to size, unlike the lies you were told about the American Dream.

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.