Polymer Pete Bloodstream Residency — Funny Microplastics Hat

Meet Polymer Pete, the cheerful, legally-mandated mascot of the late-stage industrial doomscape! He is bright, colorful, and currently coursing through your brain fluid and major organs. Remember when mega-corporations told us recycling was our personal responsibility while they pumped trillions of immortal plastic particles into the biosphere? Pete does! And he loves his new home inside your cells.

There is no detox protocol. There is no juice cleanse. You are a walking, breathing Tupperware container now. Celebrate the irreversible microplastic contamination of your own biological vessel with a vintage 90s-style corporate mascot hat that will outlive you, your descendants, and the sun.

• 100% guaranteed to successfully cross the blood-brain barrier
• Sponsored by the board members who definitely knew about this in 1974
• A proud, permanent partner of your collapsing endocrine system
• Cannot be sweat out, prayed away, or voted against

Classic 100% cotton unstructured dad hat fit with an adjustable strap. One size fits most biological vessels. Ships fast before the collapse.

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.