Previously Functional — Sticker

Most industrial machinery gets a bright red tag when the gears finally grind to a halt. Humans just get an iced coffee and a Slack message asking for a quick sync. We bypassed the corporate wellness seminar entirely and issued this standard-issue decommissioning notice for your central nervous system. It is not a cry for help; it is a matter of public safety. You used to work. Now you do not.

Designed to resemble a sterile mid-century factory inspection label, this is the most efficient way to communicate that your warranty expired sometime in 2019 and the replacement parts are currently stuck in a global supply chain bottleneck. Let management know the structural integrity of your psyche has been permanently compromised by prolonged exposure to unprecedented historical events.

• Approved for total systemic failure and structural collapse.
• Do not attempt to reboot wearer with pizza parties or mindfulness apps.
• Factory reset impossible without a time machine and a trust fund.
• Certified structurally unsound for late-stage capitalism.