Standard Academic Protocol — Funny College Safety Card Sticker

The FAA mandates a crash position for when your fuselage rips open at 30,000 feet, but provides zero guidance for surviving a Tuesday morning seminar. You are currently hurtling toward finals at 500 miles per hour in a decaying institution held together by underpaid adjuncts and predatory debt.

Rendered in the deadpan, panic-suppressing aesthetic of an in-flight safety card, this official protocol sticker instructs you on the only reasonable response to higher education. When the syllabus drops, grip your ankles and brace. The horrors persist, but attendance is still mandatory.

• Oxygen masks will not drop from the ceiling.
• In the event of a total systemic collapse, your tuition will be used as a flotation device for the board of trustees.
• Please remain in the brace position until graduation.

Premium waterproof vinyl decal. Perfect for laptops, water bottles, and masking the tears of grad students.

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.