Exposed Bone Polish — Cap

You have pieces of your actual skeleton hanging out of your face in a damp, bacteria-filled cavern, and if you do not aggressively scrub them twice a day, they will rot and fall out of your head. It is time we stop pretending this is a gentle, minty morning ritual. This is grueling industrial hardware maintenance.

Ditch the soft plastic tubes and the euphemisms. We packaged a premium abrasive compound in a heavy-duty automotive shop tin because you are, at your core, just a decaying meat vehicle trying to keep your skull-rocks from rusting. Keep your exposed structural calcium shining like a classic chassis.

• Industrial-grade abrasive for structural facial calcium
• Mint flavor permanently replaced with 'Shop Floor Degreaser'
• Apply with a heavy-duty wire brush or standard issue bristle-stick
• If structural rotting persists, consult your authorized skeleton mechanic