Real-Time Mortality Tracker Hat — Funny Biohacker Trucker Cap
- Printed to order in the U.S.
- Tracked to your door
- Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+
- 30-day returns
- A person answers your email
Ships fast, with tracking · Shipping details
Size: One size
Secure Shopify checkout · a person answers your email
About this item
They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This printed trucker cap is for everyone treating their fitness tracker like a real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.
Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like wearing a baseball cap that quantifies your existential dread.
- Premium printed hat for people whose heart rate spikes reading the news
- Classic trucker cap fit for hiding your lack of REM sleep
Yupoong 6606 retro trucker cap. 74% polyester, 26% cotton. Mid profile, six-panel structured snapback. Permacurv® visor. Mesh back. DTF (direct-to-film) print, front panel.
Yupoong 6606 retro trucker cap. 74% polyester, 26% cotton. Mid profile, six-panel structured snapback. Permacurv® visor. Mesh back. DTF (direct-to-film) print, front panel.
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.
Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.
