Real-Time Mortality Tracker Hat — Funny Biohacker Dad Cap
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This embroidered dad hat is for everyone treating their fitness tracker like a real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.
Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like wearing a baseball cap that quantifies your existential dread.
- Premium embroidered hat for people whose heart rate spikes reading the news
- Classic dad cap fit for hiding your lack of REM sleep
- Adjustable strap ensures it stays on during panic attacks
- 100% cotton, unlike your synthetic biohacked lifestyle
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.