Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Funny Smartwatch T-Shirt

They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This funny smartwatch t-shirt is a tribute to your real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.

Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal.

• Heart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news
• Sleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken
• Syncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom

Bella+Canvas 3001 unisex jersey tee, retail fit, 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²). 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton. Ribbed knit collar. Tapered shoulders. Dual side seams. Direct-to-garment (DTG) print, front.

Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.

Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.