Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Funny Smartwatch T-Shirt
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This funny smartwatch t-shirt is a tribute to your real-time mortality monitor, logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.
Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal.
- Heart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news
- Sleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken
- Syncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom
- Printed on a premium, breathable cotton blend that handles night sweats like a pro
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.