Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Funny Smartwatch Joke Sticker
Printed to order · arrives in 5–12 days in the U.S. · free delivery
30-day returns · secure Shopify checkout · a human answers questions
About this item
They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This Real-Time Mortality Tracker sticker is for everyone logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.
Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal. Slap this funny tech decal on your laptop or water bottle to warn others.
- Heart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news
- Sleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken
- Syncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom
- Durable, waterproof vinyl sticker built to survive your stress sweats
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.