Real-Time Mortality Tracker — Funny Smartwatch Joke Sticker
- Printed to order in the U.S.
- Tracked to your door
- Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+
- 30-day returns
- A person answers your email
Ships fast, with tracking · Shipping details
Surface: White
Secure Shopify checkout · a person answers your email
About this item
They sold it to you as 'wellness optimization.' You bought it to biohack your way out of the inevitable. But let's be honest: you strapped a 24/7 surveillance beacon to your wrist just to get high-definition alerts that your body is actively decaying. This Real-Time Mortality Tracker sticker is for everyone logging every ruined REM cycle and panic-induced stress spike as a beautifully terrifying bar chart.
Perfect for the chronically online specimen who needs a push notification to realize they are dying. Because nothing says 'health' quite like quantifying your existential dread down to the exact biometric decimal. Slap this funny tech decal on your laptop or water bottle to warn others.
- Heart rate alerts triggered exclusively by reading the news
- Sleep score mathematically proves you are fundamentally broken
- Syncs seamlessly with your impending sense of doom
Kiss-cut sticker. 100% durable vinyl. Kiss-cut to shape with the backing left intact. Glossy finish. Indoor decor — not waterproof. UV print, kiss-cut.
Shipping & returns
Everything is printed to order by our manufacturing partners, mainly in the United States — your item is made after you buy it, then shipped fast with tracking emailed the moment it leaves the printer. Free U.S. shipping on orders $20+.
Production and transit times are published as separate numbers in the shipping policy, so you can check them before you buy.
Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy. Questions go to a person, not a ticket robot: contact us.
