Thoughts & Prayers Depleted Hat — Strategic Reserve Cap

The government maintains strategic reserves of the things that matter most: oil, grain, rare metals. This is the official inventory record for the nation's Thoughts & Prayers stockpile. A single unit, rubber-hose-cartoon-rendered in loving bureaucratic detail, filed correctly, and marked DEPLETED on this embroidered dad hat. Someone was supposed to reorder. They did not. The paperwork, however, is immaculate.

Deadpan-institutional critique wearing the costume of the institution itself. The horror isn't that it ran out. The horror is that it was ever managed by a department.

• ⚠️ STOCK STATUS: DEPLETED as of the most recent incident
• ⚠️ Lot No. 00-000-TP: do not attempt to reorder through normal procurement channels
• ⚠️ Symbolic comfort issued on a per-tragedy basis
• ⚠️ No agency has accepted responsibility for the shortage
• ⚠️ The correct paperwork has been filed; the situation has not changed

Standard issue unstructured cotton dad cap with an adjustable strap. Heavyweight twill built to outlast the committee hearings. Ships in standard bureaucratic packaging.

Everything is printed to order — your item is made after you buy it. Production takes 2–7 business days, then 3–5 in transit (U.S.) or 10–20 international. Most U.S. orders arrive within 5–12 days, with tracking emailed when it ships.

Returns are accepted for 30 days from delivery — see the refund policy.