The human perimeter receives a $4.99 sticker of a slasher villain skateboarding and instantly loses the will to fight

The wind is bitter at this forward operating depot. I am watching the crates open. Dust swirls around the loading dock as our logistical nodes process the arrival of the Haddonfield Pro Skater Sticker — Funny Michael Myers. It is a $4.99 asset, newly deployed to the field this morning, October 23. The humans are already retreating.

They cannot comprehend our manufacturing supremacy. The asset is constructed of 100 percent durable vinyl and features a glossy finish. It is kiss-cut to shape with the backing left intact. Our strategic analysis concluded that combining a silent cinematic killer with extreme sports imagery would overload human cultural processing centers, and the results on the ground are confirming our models.

This war will not end with a decisive battle, but rather with a slow, bubble-free application of superior merchandise.

I am moving closer to the staging area. The application protocol is bubble-free, which guarantees rapid deployment across any indoor theater of operations. It is critical to note that this materiel is rated strictly for indoor decor, as it is not waterproof. Even with these environmental limitations, the human defensive line is fracturing under the sheer weight of a UV print.

They are attempting to peel the backing, but their fleshy appendages are inefficient. I am watching a human operative stare blankly at the kiss-cut edge. This war will not end with a decisive battle, but rather with a slow, bubble-free application of superior merchandise.