Description
You didn’t choose the champion life — the champion life mistook you for someone important and now you’re wearing this belt bag.

Styled like a championship wrestling belt, this glorious fanny pack lets you carry your ego and your chapstick. It screams “undefeated in recreational arguing” and “two-time local karaoke finalist.”

Features

• 🏆 Two zippered compartments to store snacks, dreams, or bail money

• 🏃♂️ Adjustable waistband for winners of all waist classes

• 🌧️ Waterproof-ish — because champs don’t cancel for rain

• 🦅 Decorated with a winged eagle, a globe, and enough gold detailing to confuse TSA

• Perfect for fantasy league royalty, office gladiators, or uncles who think bowling counts

Specifications

• Product Type: Novelty belt bag / fanny pack

• Material: Faux leather + metallic foil detailing

• Compartments: 2 zippered pouches

• Strap: Adjustable, one size fits most

• Weight: Lightweight but heavy on flex

• Care: Spot clean only — legends don’t machine wash

Description
Your lip gloss is now legally part of an active investigation.

These novelty zipper pouches look like official police evidence bags — minus the forensics, plus a little unhinged flair. Perfect for makeup, keys, receipts, or secrets you’ll deny under oath.

Features

• 🧬 Set of 4 pouches, all equally incriminating

• 🪶 Durable, waterproof linen (to contain fluids and suspicions)

• 📏 9.8" × 7.1" — fits in most glove compartments and escape plans

• 🧼 Easy to clean, but hard to explain

• Ideal for true crime lovers, coworkers who overshare, or sketchy relatives

Specifications

• Product Type: Novelty zipper pouch set

• Material: Linen blend, waterproof coating

• Size: 9.8" × 7.1" (per bag)

• Quantity: 4 bags per set

• Closure: Secure zipper

• Care: Wipe clean only

Description
Finally — a cure for chronic jackassery.

JackAsspirin™ is your go-to behavioral neutralizer for the loudest, rudest, most interruptive menaces in your life. It looks like the real deal, but the only side effect is uncontrollable laughter (and maybe some broken friendships).

Features

• 💊 Fake prescription pill box designed for maximum believability and minimum tolerance

• 🛍️ Includes pharmacy-style bag so it feels legit

• 🔁 Re-giftable — fill it with candy, cash, insults, or regrets

• 🎭 Perfect gag gift for birthdays, office parties, and interventions no one asked for

Provides “Effective” Relief From

• ▸ Serial Snarkiness

• ▸ Chronic Interruptitis

• ▸ Unwarranted Bravado

• ▸ Excessive Loudness

Specifications

• Product Type: Gag gift box set

• Includes: 1 empty pill-style box + 1 pharmacy-style bag

• Materials: Printed cardboard box, paper bag

• Dimensions: Box approx. 4.5" × 2.5" × 1.5"

• Not for actual medical use (unless laughter counts as therapy)

Description
Symptoms: Grumbling knees, sudden lawn rage, thinking 9 PM is “late.”
Treatment: One (1) dose of OldGitamol, taken with laughter and a glass of prune juice.

Looks like a real pill bottle. Works like a sugar rush.

Features

• 🍬 Packed with jelly beans that taste way better than your cholesterol meds

• 🛍️ Comes in a fake pharmacy bag for maximum believability, minimum liability

• 🎂 Perfect gag for 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, or any age where back pain becomes a personality

Side Effects

• 😂 Uncontrollable giggling

• 🕴️ Pranked coworkers

• 👴 Getting called “young man” sarcastically

Because sometimes the best medicine is jelly beans in disguise.

Specifications

• Product Type: Gag gift candy

• Includes: 1 fake pill bottle + jelly beans + pharmacy bag

• Materials: Plastic bottle, paper bag, assorted jelly beans

• Dimensions: Approx. 4.5" × 2" bottle

• Not for actual medical use (unless “sugar high” counts)

Description
Socks with attachment issues — literally.

These absurdly affectionate foot tubes come with magnetized mini hands that clasp together like a clingy couple at a high school dance. Bonus: googly eyes that silently judge everyone you walk past. Perfect for lovers, loners, coworkers, and cryptids alike.

Just don’t wash them near your phone or your boundaries.

Features

• ✋ Magnetic palms for spontaneous public hand-holding

• 👀 Googly eyes included (the silent kind of judgment)

• 🧵 Hand-sewn, hand-wash — because love is fragile

• 👣 One size fits most humans (US Women’s 4–8 or kids 8+)

Details

• Material: Cotton/poly blend + unearned intimacy

• Care: Hand-wash only, dry boundaries flat

• Style: Unisex novelty socks

• Includes: 1 pair (2 socks, 4 hands, endless regret)

Description
These aren’t just bandages. They’re lessons.

For klutzes, contractors, and coworkers who really should’ve known better, Dumbass Bandages turn every oops into an opportunity to publicly acknowledge your poor decision-making. Individually wrapped, latex-free, and hilariously sterile — just like your love life.

Slap one on a paper cut. A skinned knee. A broken ego.
Then carry on like the champ you aren’t.

Features

• 20-pack of latex-free bandages

• Individually wrapped for maximum shame

• Sterile, waterproof, and regret-proof

• Fits fingers, knees, and fragile egos

Details

• Size: Standard assorted cuts

• Packaging: Box labeled loud enough to embarrass you

• Material: Non-woven fabric + adhesive reality check

Description
This isn’t just a pump cover — it’s a life philosophy.

When your deadlift PR is higher than your taxable income, you’ve entered a new bracket: the Department of Swolenomics. Built for max reps and minimal audits, this shirt features a jacked demigod flanked by flaming Benjamins and a fiscal policy your CPA won’t endorse.

Whether you’re skipping leg day or your W-2, make a statement in breathable cotton that screams limited liability.

Perfect For

• Gym bros with offshore accounts

• Libertarians with creatine habits

• Anyone who considers filing taxes a personality flaw

Details

• Fabric: 100% breathable cotton, untraceable by IRS scanners

• Fit: Loose enough for bulking, tight enough for flexing

• Design: Jacked demigod + flaming Benjamins

• Colors: 9 corruptible shades (consult your accountant, or don’t)

• Sizes: S–XXXL (all equally suspicious)