Description
For the sinner on a schedule. Every cigarette drags you 11 minutes closer to the pearly gates — or straight past them, coughing in style.

Features

• 100% cotton (won’t melt if you descend the other way)

• Loose fit for optimal lung expansion (or collapse)

• Conversation starter… and ender

• Perfect gag gift for quitters, smokers, or holy rollers

• Works as a warning, punchline, or spiritual icebreaker

Specifications

• Fabric: Cotton

• Colors: Black, White, Gray

• Sizes: XS–XXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Casual unisex

• Print: High-quality graphic

• Thickness: Standard

Not a request. A lifestyle.

This hat doesn’t ask for attention — it demands evidence. Whether you’re yelling it from the back of a lifted truck or whispering it to the mirror in a Bass Pro parking lot, this red-white classic sends one clear message: you didn’t come here to make friends.

You came here to make eye contact… and ruin it.

Details

• Bold all-caps black lettering – zero interpretation required
• Foam-padded white front panel – for full frontal visibility
• Red mesh trucker back – breathable for intense situations
• Curved brim – aerodynamic when thrown from a moving boat
• Adjustable snapback – fits all head sizes, few social settings
• Pairs well with jean shorts, beer breath, and zero shame

Promoted against your will.

This hat isn’t just a vibe — it’s a title you didn’t ask for but definitely earned. Whether you’re managing a chaotic friend group, a doomed startup, or just your own emotional spiral, this washed blue disasterpiece is your uniform.

The world’s on fire. You’re on break.

Details

• Vintage-washed blue cotton – looks like you’ve been through something (you have)
• Embroidered text – no one can say they weren’t warned
• Curved brim – for shielding yourself from accountability
• Unstructured fit – like your work-life balance
• Adjustable strapback – because the disaster scales
• Includes zero actual authority

The hat you wear when words aren’t enough.

When you’ve already tried facts.

When you’ve already said, “Hey man, that’s a pyramid scheme.”

This hat is your final resort.

You put it on.

You look them in the eye.

You say nothing.

Let the hat do the work.

If they know, they know.

If they don’t… you’ve confirmed it.

DETAILS

• 100% cotton, zero Kool-Aid

• Adjustable strap: fits heads swollen with denial

• Bright red: legally distinct from that one other hat

• Engineered for family barbecues, Facebook arguments, and group chats you’ll be removed from

• Ships in a plain box. For safety.

Finally, a sweater that screams “Christmas” and “unhinged gym bro” at the same time.

This isn’t just ugly — it’s aggressively festive. A jacked holiday cat shooting lasers from its eyes while lifting red barbells in front of a Christmas tree? That’s not a print. That’s prophecy.

Wear it loud. Wear it tight.

And don’t skip chest day.

Details

• Full 3D sublimation print – zero chill, full visual assault
• Laser eyes. Barbell. Gifts. Trees. Chaos.
• Polyester/spandex blend – stretchy enough for gains, soft enough for naps
• Crewneck, long sleeve, unisex fit
• Ideal for ugly sweater contests, Christmas raves, or starting fights at Kohl’s
• Can and will distract children and powerlifters alike

Description:
History doesn’t have to cost full price.
The Civil War Veteran: Budget Edition Hat is your clearance-rack salute to the fallen, stitched for laughs and lightweight wallets alike. It’s got the same ironic valor as the premium model, just without the luxury markup.

Wear it to family cookouts, awkward history debates, or while explaining that, no, you weren’t actually there. Heritage on a discount. Patriotism on Velcro®.

Details:

• 100% Cotton Twill (sturdy enough for reenactments, light enough for denial)

• Structured, low-fitting profile for that “draft dodger chic” look

• Adjustable Velcro® closure — freedom to resize as the Union intended

Description
When history hands you incompetence, put it on a trucker hat.

The Rooftop Rookies Hat is a satirical nod to July 13th, 2024 — the day a “slope too steep” became the excuse heard ’round the world. Equal parts dark humor and wearable commentary, this cap immortalizes the rooftop that wasn’t guarded, the excuse that broke the internet, and the chaos that followed.

For anyone who thinks “safety concerns about a slope” belongs in the National Comedy Archive. Wear it loud, wear it proud — the slope is eternal.

Features
🧢 100% polyester foam front & nylon mesh back
🔒 Adjustable plastic snap closure (one size fits most, 22.8"/58cm)
🪡 Six-row stitching on visor for that “officially unserious” look
🎨 Seven color combos available
📦 Creases disappear once worn (like government accountability)

Specifications
Product Type: Trucker Hat
Material: Polyester foam front, nylon mesh back
Size: One size fits most (adjustable)
Closure: Plastic snapback
Colors: 7 combinations
Care: Spot clean only