A hat for women who believe in gender roles — specifically, the one where he pays.

The Put It On My Husband’s Tab Hat is a red-and-white statement piece that says “I don’t check prices, I check vibes.” Perfect for date nights, brunches, and budget meetings you don’t plan on attending.

It’s bold. It’s bratty. It’s the modern-day dowry — embroidered in retro lettering and powered by financial delusion. Wear it to let everyone know your man handles the bill while you handle the attention.

Whether you’re married, divorced, or just emotionally sponsored, this hat works harder than your credit card ever will.

Details

• Classic two-tone trucker style – breathable mesh for high-limit lifestyles
• Adjustable snapback – fits most heads and all financial dependencies
• Embroidered “PUT IT ON MY HUSBAND’S TAB” text – loud, proud, and tax-deductible (probably)
• Made from polyester and poor impulse control
• Lightweight design – for when you’re carrying emotional baggage, not financial

This shirt is a war crime against good taste and we’re proud of that.

Somewhere off the coast of whatever planet this is, laser-eyed cats ride interstellar dolphins through a sea of Bud Light while a rainbow blasts through the skull of a cosmic feline god. There’s also a pirate ship, a fish-cat hybrid, and what might be Bill Murray. We stopped asking questions around draft seven.

Perfect for:

• beer-in-the-hot-tub philosophers

• dolphin truthers

• anyone who’s ever said “it’s a vibe” and meant it

Printed using digital soul transfer technology (probably polyester). Wear it to your cousin’s wedding. Or your trial.

This shirt is not hopeful.

It’s not motivational.

It’s just… true.

Staring deep into the void with America’s little trash philosopher, this tee tells it like it is—without the need for a second coffee or a wellness podcast.

You don’t need therapy.

You need a shirt with a raccoon that gave up in 2007 and never looked back.

🙃 For when you wanna say, “Don’t talk to me,”

💅 But also say, “I have a raccoon degree in Realism.”

Let the beige do the talking.

Let the raccoon do the crying.

Let the people know the vibes are subterranean.

Product Details:

• 100% cotton, soft enough for a midlife spiral

• Screen-printed blue ink that matches your general outlook

• Unisex sizing (Medium, Large, Extra-large Regret)

• Slightly boxy fit, just like the day you were born

• Raccoon illustration hand-sketched by a man who hasn’t slept since 2020

For when your sense of humor hits rock bottom — and keeps digging.

The Rectal Use Only Stickers are the ultimate weapon in the prank wars. Stick one on your friend’s water bottle, lunch box, or Amazon return and watch confusion unfold. Each roll comes with 200 little green warnings guaranteed to make any situation uncomfortably funny.

Ideal for immature adults, chaotic coworkers, or anyone still laughing at “that’s what she said.” Durable, waterproof, and sticky enough to ruin your reputation at family gatherings.

Details

• Roll of 200 stickers — more than enough to end friendships
• 1.5” x .375” – the perfect size for maximum suspicion
• Waterproof and tear-resistant – because laughter is forever
• Bright green finish – visible from across the HR department
• Best used on other people’s stuff (but legally, don’t)

A love letter to your childhood… and your lower back pain.

This warped OG controller is pushing a walker but still pressing start. Call it nostalgia, call it denial — either way, it’s limping to the high score screen with arthritis and attitude.

Wear it loud if your favorite hobby is telling kids the game was harder “back then.”

Details :

• Printed graphic of a vintage video game controller using a walker

• 100% combed cotton

• Classic crew neck

• Soft-touch screen print

• Fits true to size unless you’re old, in which case everything’s a little tighter than it used to be

Not every empire is built on hard work.

Some are built on plastic bricks and self-delusion.

Introducing the Financial Delusion Starter Kit — twelve gorgeous, fake-ass gold bars for anyone who’s ever said “money isn’t real” out loud and meant it.

Each brick is a glimmering monument to your unchecked ambition. Stack them on your desk like you’re laundering NFTs. Pose with them for your “just secured the bag” photo dump. Use them as paperweights for your unpaid bills.

These bars are so shiny they’ll make your landlord reconsider your rent increase — or at least hesitate before sending the eviction notice.

Whether you’re role-playing a Wall Street villain, decorating your bunker, or just trying to feel something again…

Congratulations. You’re rich now. Emotionally, anyway.

Details

• 12 deluxe imitation gold bars – for when reality’s not hitting hard enough
• Mirror-finish shine so intense it reflects your financial trauma
• Lightweight, stackable, and judgment-proof
• Perfect for: fake heists, pyramid schemes, podcast backdrops, and disappointing your parents
• Each bar measures: 6.5” x 2.9” x 2”
• Material: hollow plastic dipped in false confidence
• Ships in about a week (because time is money)