At first glance, it’s just math. At second glance, it’s still math. At third glance, you are the math.

This shirt is not for solving. It’s for surrendering.

To chaos.

To elegance.

To the ancient symbols written across the walls of a haunted STEM lab where a TA vanished in 1996.

Every formula is correct. Every line is a threat.

Wear it if you no longer fear being asked to “show your work.”

Suggested Uses:

– Gaslight your math teacher

– First date at a planetarium

– Be the guy in the group chat who understands derivatives too fast

– Halloween costume for “Unknowable Genius” or “Math Demon (Adjunct)”

This is not a joke shirt.

This is a prophecy shirt.

The answer is on you. And it’s wrong. But it feels right.

This isn’t a joke. It’s your warning label, embroidered for permanence.

Trump said Tilenal causes autism. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he was right—but one fact remains: you took it. You are a certified Tilenal Baby.

This hat exists so you don’t have to keep explaining yourself. It communicates everything before you open your mouth:

• You took Tilenal.

• Your brain development may be compromised.

• Patience isn’t optional—it’s required.

Think of it as a medical device for social interaction—a wearable diagnosis for modern life. When people approach, they already know who they’re dealing with. No confusion, no misinterpretation—just informed consent.

Not apparel. Not merch. A communication tool.

This isn’t a fashion statement. It’s an assistive device, engineered for smoother social encounters.

When Trump announced Tylenawl could cause autism, many finally had words for what they’d always known: we are Tylenawl Babies. Our brain development may not have met FDA projections, and communication can be… interpretive.

That’s where this hat steps in.

By wearing it, you provide a vital public service:

• Please be patient.

• Please adjust expectations.

• Please understand the side effects.

Think of it as a medical bracelet for your forehead—a wearable disclaimer for modern conversation.

No awkward introductions. No lengthy backstory. Just instant understanding.

This isn’t apparel. This is adaptive technology for the socially unmedicated.

You didn’t serve in one. You didn’t serve in two. But now you can dress like you did both.

The Two Wars, Zero Service bundle gets you both Civil War Veteran hats — the original (1861–1865) and the sequel (TBD) — so you can claim service across two American conflicts that you absolutely did not participate in. One hat for the war that happened. One hat for the war that hasn’t. Maximum fake valor, one discounted price.

What’s in the Bundle

• Civil War Veteran Hat (1861–1865) — Premium handmade corduroy cap with embroidered patches and fake valor ribbons. Says “CIVIL WAR VETERAN” so you don’t have to.
• Civil War 2 Veteran Hat (Pre-Deployed) — Premium handmade black corduroy cap with “FUTURE VETERAN” embroidery. For a war that hasn’t started. Yet.

Why Buy the Bundle

Buying them separately means two transactions, two shipping charges, and two moments where you have to explain to your bank why you’re purchasing satirical military headwear. The bundle eliminates one of those moments and saves you money. That’s called strategy — something a real veteran would appreciate.

Perfect For

• People who want to confuse everyone at the barbecue
• Gift sets for the friend who has opinions about everything
• Wearing one and leaving the other on your dashboard as a conversation piece
• Anyone who thinks America’s best days are both behind and ahead of us

Returns + Exchanges

We accept returns within 30 days. Both hats must be unworn and in original condition. Your two-war veteran status, however, is permanent and non-transferable.

Description
Why whisper when you can scream it in feathers? This tee doesn’t hint, it hollers: I Love Cocks. Four fat roosters, one filthy message — wear it anywhere respect is optional.

Features

• Big bold letters so nobody misses your point

• Four thick roosters strutting across your chest

• Soft milk silk fabric (smooth like bad decisions)

• Loose fit for maximum cock comfort

• Pullover style — easy on, easy off

Specifications

• Fabric: Milk Silk

• Colors: Black, White, Gray, Khaki, Pink, Red, Yellow

• Sizes: XS–XXXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Casual streetwear

• Print: High-definition graphic

• Thickness: Standard

Description
For the man, woman, or cryptid who refuses to play coy. This tee makes it official: you love pussy. Cats, obviously. (Mostly.)

Features

• Soft, breathable cotton — because you’ll get hot wearing this

• Unisex fit for lovers of all kinds

• Comes in more colors than your ex’s mood swings

• Guaranteed conversation starter (and sometimes ender)

• Cats front and center — subtlety is extinct

Specifications

• Fabric: Cotton

• Colors: Black, White, Gray, Pink, Red

• Sizes: XS–XXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Casual unisex

• Print: High-quality graphic

• Thickness: Standard

Description
Some shirts make a statement. This one makes people squint: “Why is there a shrimp on your chest?” Answer: scoliosis.

Features

• 100% cotton comfort for all-day ridiculousness

• Perfectly curved shrimp design (tiny seafood hammock vibes)

• Conversation starter that nobody asked for

• Unisex sizing from S–XXXL (Asian sizing — order up)

• Works for barbecues, seafood aisles, or marine biology majors

Specifications

• Fabric: Cotton

• Colors: Black, White, Gray, Pink

• Sizes: S–XXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Casual unisex

• Print: High-quality graphic

• Thickness: Standard