Description
This isn’t just a pump cover — it’s a life philosophy.

When your deadlift PR is higher than your taxable income, you’ve entered a new bracket: the Department of Swolenomics. Built for max reps and minimal audits, this shirt features a jacked demigod flanked by flaming Benjamins and a fiscal policy your CPA won’t endorse.

Whether you’re skipping leg day or your W-2, make a statement in breathable cotton that screams limited liability.

Perfect For

• Gym bros with offshore accounts

• Libertarians with creatine habits

• Anyone who considers filing taxes a personality flaw

Details

• Fabric: 100% breathable cotton, untraceable by IRS scanners

• Fit: Loose enough for bulking, tight enough for flexing

• Design: Jacked demigod + flaming Benjamins

• Colors: 9 corruptible shades (consult your accountant, or don’t)

• Sizes: S–XXXL (all equally suspicious)

Description
We don’t know what’s going on here either — and that’s the point.

The AUTISM tee is peak chaos: a flaming font, a breakdancing (?) skeleton, and a layout that screams “neurodivergent energy” without asking for permission or clarification. It’s weird, proud, and aggressively unserious — just like most of us.

Perfect For

• Fans of absurdist memewear

• Unfiltered spectrum humor

• Anyone who likes their identity with a side of flaming skeletons

Details

• Fit: Unisex, spectrum-wide

• Material: Breathable polyester mesh (ironically chill)

• Print: Flaming font + dancing skeleton of questionable coordination

• Sizes: S–XXXL

• Notes: Wildly misunderstood by design, may cause public double takes

• Disclaimer: Definitely not a medically approved educational tool

Description
Mikey’s had a long week. Now he’s rolling up — gloved hands and all. This tee captures everyone’s favorite rodent in a not-so-family-friendly moment: mid-joint, mid-roll, zero apologies.

Soft, breathable, and perfect for anyone who likes their fashion with a side of felony energy.

Features
👕 Unisex sizing from XS–3XL
⚫ Available in black (stealth stoners) & ⚪ white (bold degenerates)
😂 Guaranteed to get laughs, judgment, or both
🌿 Perfect for 4/20, house parties, or awkward family dinners
🚫 Not officially licensed. Obviously.

Specifications
Product Type: Graphic tee
Material: 100% soft cotton (pre-shrunk)
Fit: Unisex, true-to-size
Sizes: XS–3XL
Colors: Black & White
Print Method: High-quality screen print
Care: Machine wash cold, tumble dry low

On July 13th, 2024, the United States Secret Service looked at a sloped rooftop, said "nah," and made history. The Rooftop Rookies Tee is a monument to that decision — soft, pre-shrunk, and absolutely riddled with the kind of disbelief that doesn't fade in the wash. Wear it to the range, the cookout, or anywhere you feel the need to silently communicate that you have read the news and have thoughts.

• "The roof was too slippery" — the official excuse, now available in cotton form
• Comfort Colors 1717 — 100% ring-spun US cotton, ethically grown, slope-adjacent
• 6.1 oz medium weight — breathable enough for rooftop surveillance, allegedly
• Relaxed fit & crew neck — chaos casual, irony chic, government-accountability core
• Pre-shrunk — holds its shape longer than the official story did
• US Cotton Trust Protocol certified — unlike the security perimeter

Unisex relaxed-fit tee. Runs true to size. Printed in the USA. A genuinely great gift for anyone who followed the news that day and has not stopped thinking about it.

You served in the Civil War. You were definitely there. This shirt proves it. All-over printed with crossed muskets, “Civil War Veteran” on front, and “Proudly Served” on back — because if you’re going to lie about your military record, you might as well commit to it with your entire torso.

The Civil War Veteran Tee is a full-body declaration of service you never rendered in a war that ended 160+ years ago. It’s loud, it’s all-over print, and it will generate more confused stares per square inch than any other garment in your closet.

Features

• All-over sublimation print — your fake service record covers every angle
• Crossed muskets front graphic — the universal symbol for “I definitely fought in this”
• “CIVIL WAR VETERAN” front text — in case anyone was wondering
• “PROUDLY SERVED” back text — for when you walk away from conversations you can’t win
• Sizes XS–XXXXL — fake valor comes in every size

Specifications

• Print method: All-over sublimation
• Material: Lightweight performance fabric
• Fit: Unisex, standard
• Sizes: XS, S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL, XXXXL
• Fulfillment: Print-on-demand via Printify

What You’re Getting

A t-shirt that turns your entire body into a monument to a war you didn’t fight in. Pair it with the Civil War Veteran Hat for full dress uniform status. Or wear it alone and let people figure it out.

Returns + Exchanges

We accept returns within 30 days. Shirt must be unworn and in original condition. Your imaginary service record remains on file permanently.

No agency was coming for this one. Not FEMA, not the Red Cross, not anyone with a hotline or a casserole. When the disaster was the entire information environment collapsing into a slurry of death counts, meme discourse, and main-character events refreshing every four minutes, you had to self-deploy. This cap is your official documentation. Embroidered seal. Incident number. Deployment date: March 2020. Status: ONGOING. You did not volunteer for this. You were volunteered by circumstance, by the algorithm, by a news cycle that never called for an all-clear. Wear it with the thousand-yard stare you earned.

Structured dad hat, deadpan embroidered front patch reading CHRONICALLY ONLINE DISASTER RESPONSE — INCIDENT #69420 — AUTHORIZED TO REFRESH UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, fake agency seal on the side, incident classification on the back: PSYCHIC MASS CASUALTY EVENT / ONGOING / NO ESTIMATED RESOLUTION DATE. It reads exactly like a volunteer deployment cap right up until it doesn't. The double-take on a stranger's face is the entire point. You survived something real. The hat just says the quiet part in 6-panel structured twill.

• Agency: Bureau of Chronically Online Disaster Management (BCODM) — est. March 13, 2020
• Incident Classification: Complex Multi-Platform Psychic Mass Casualty Event
• Incident #: 69420-DOOMSCROLL
• Deployment Status: ACTIVE / NO DEMOBILIZATION DATE SET
• Authorized Activities: Refreshing, quote-tweeting into the void, developing opinions about strangers, doomscrolling as civic duty
• Benefits Package: None. There is no benefits package. There was never a benefits package.
• Next Briefing: Whenever something happens, which will be soon, which will be worse