Forget cardio.

This tee honors the undisputed king of murderous striding.

Michael Myers doesn’t run.

He walks briskly. With purpose.

And he still catches everyone. Every time.

This shirt is your official entry into the Slasher Olympics, where gold medals are earned in patience, silence, and a borderline-psychotic walking pace.

Stamped with a vintage varsity font and the 1978 release date, this shirt is perfect for horror fans, speed walkers, and dudes who haven’t blinked since the Carter administration.

Put it on. Start walking.

Never stop.

Product Details:

• 100% pre-shrunk cotton — breathable enough for a long walk home from Haddonfield

• Vintage black tee with bold white print

• Fits true to size unless you’re being chased

• Printed with dark energy in the USA

• Sizes S to 5XL, because evil has no limits

• Machine washable — won’t scream in the dryer

• Warning: Wearing this shirt may cause strangers to lock their doors

Forget crypto. Forget stocks. This is real hustle.

The “Need Money for Porsche” tee lets the world know your priorities are straight: you don’t want help, you want horsepower. Printed in ransom-note lettering that screams both “I have a dream” and “I might sell you a cursed NFT,” this shirt is the perfect blend of high ambition and low bank account.

Ideal for:

– Begging with dignity

– Flexing without funds

– Garage daydreaming

– Explaining why you’re not splitting the check

Minimalist front. Maximum delusion on the back. Fits like a charm. Motivates like a manifesto.

Warning: Shirt does not come with Porsche. Yet.

Welcome to Los Pollos Hermanos — where the chicken is spicy, the service is polite, and the operation is very well-managed.

This tee features the iconic twin roosters you’d trust with your lunch order—or your life savings—depending on how deep the story goes. Inspired by the most legitimate fast food chain in the most definitely real New Mexico, this shirt is the ultimate uniform for fans of fried poultry, corporate fronts, and morally ambiguous empire builders.

Recommended use cases:

– Casual cookouts

– DEA interviews

– Underground tunnel crawls

– Standing eerily still with your hands behind your back

Perfect for Breaking Bad superfans, Better Call Saul loyalists, or anyone whose business card says “Manager” but their Google Drive says otherwise.

Wear it. Just don’t ask too many questions.

You didn’t go offline. The universe unplugged you.

This shirt is the last thing your browser saw before it blacked out.

A stranded dinosaur. A cactus. A prompt that sounds more like a dare.

Try: interacting with other humans? You first.

Printed in cold, pixelated honesty on soft white cotton, this tee is a wearable error message for the digitally deranged and socially suspended. Perfect for introverts, software engineers, or anyone still processing the Google Chrome no internet trauma from March 2020.

Other uses:

– Wi-Fi summoning ritual

– Friend repellent

– Conversation starter you’ll hate having

– Official uniform for your next forced team-building event

It’s not just a shirt. It’s your status.

And right now, you are offline.

At first glance, it’s just math. At second glance, it’s still math. At third glance, you are the math.

This shirt is not for solving. It’s for surrendering.

To chaos.

To elegance.

To the ancient symbols written across the walls of a haunted STEM lab where a TA vanished in 1996.

Every formula is correct. Every line is a threat.

Wear it if you no longer fear being asked to “show your work.”

Suggested Uses:

– Gaslight your math teacher

– First date at a planetarium

– Be the guy in the group chat who understands derivatives too fast

– Halloween costume for “Unknowable Genius” or “Math Demon (Adjunct)”

This is not a joke shirt.

This is a prophecy shirt.

The answer is on you. And it’s wrong. But it feels right.

This isn’t a novelty tee. It’s a medical disclosure, screen-printed in bold for public safety.

After Trump declared Tylenol causes autism, the world split in two: those who Googled it, and those who are it. You? You were forged in the Tylenawl Era — a generation raised on over-the-counter chaos and government-grade marketing.

This shirt does the explaining so you don’t have to. DMV line? Covered. Job interview? Handled. Family reunion? They already know.

One glance and they’ll understand:

• You’re a documented survivor of Tylenawl-based parenting.

• Patience is not a virtue — it’s a prescription.

• You’re not apologizing. You’re reporting side effects.

Think of it as a hospital bracelet for your upper body — stylish, diagnosable, and FDA-unapproved.

Wear it responsibly. Or don’t. You’re already dosed.

Description
Why whisper when you can scream it in feathers? This tee doesn’t hint, it hollers: I Love Cocks. Four fat roosters, one filthy message — wear it anywhere respect is optional.

Features

• Big bold letters so nobody misses your point

• Four thick roosters strutting across your chest

• Soft milk silk fabric (smooth like bad decisions)

• Loose fit for maximum cock comfort

• Pullover style — easy on, easy off

Specifications

• Fabric: Milk Silk

• Colors: Black, White, Gray, Khaki, Pink, Red, Yellow

• Sizes: XS–XXXXL

• Sleeve: Regular short sleeve

• Fit: Loose pullover

• Style: Casual streetwear

• Print: High-definition graphic

• Thickness: Standard